time to heal
by another.maggie
Summary: Parker disappears, forever. Some years later she's waiting at Eliot's to ask him for his marrow...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first try on a E/P fic. I just wanted to do this for a very long time. And today I just felt like finally trying out. Tell me your thoughts :)**

Parker frowned a little as she noticed the first male nurse of her life entering her room. He was helding a blanket wrapped around a tiny human being. Her heart raced at the thought that this was her tiny human being. Her daughter.

"C'mon, baby girl, meet your Momma", the nurse said as he put the baby gently into the thief's trembling arms. He seemed to notice since he tried reassuring her. "It will be fine. It's okay that you're nervous. You'll get used to it."

Parker flinched as if she just got caught with her hands in the cookie jar. Suudenly she felt a soft hand on her shoulder. The nurse's hand.

"You'll be alright", he assured. Parker shook her head she couldn't hardly look in the peacefully sleeping face. It just... didn't feel right. She tried to give her back to him, but he refused.

"Please", the young mother begged, "I-I can't hold her."

"Why not?" He furrowed his brows.

"I-I'm afraid I'll break her", she replied honestly, dropping her gaze back to the baby's soft face.

He chuckled. "Really, Miss, I promise you that's not gonna happen."

"How can you promise that?" Parker was now teary eyed. She couldn't help, but let her mind wander back and forth and even further. She didn't mean to do this. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to held her child. She wasn't supposed to even have this child. Yet she knew that she could never let her go. She should have it better than Parker. She's not responsible. "I've broken so many things already."

The nurse sat down. He hadn't taken the baby back and it really didn't seem like he planned on doing it soon. "This time will be different."

Parker was actually sobbing now. The baby's face was now at her belly and it felt strange even though the fabric seperated them physically.

It was harsh to realize that she would never ever be Parker again. She'd always be Parker with the baby. She'd never make a decision again, because it was good for her. She'd have to choose what was best for her daughter. This really scared her.

"It's natural. Plus, you wanted her, didn't you?"

Parker nodded, though this was a little bit of a lie. Truth to be told, she didn't want her. She didn't plan on having her. Well, she considered kids. But not then and especially not with... No, she didn't really want her in the first place. But she was too much of a feeling-person (really, she was, she just couldn't express them very well) to abort and she'd gone through hell too many times to give her child up for adoption. When she moved to live alone, though, she started liking the thought of never being alone again. She'd gotten used to people all around her.

Actually, she would've loved to stay in Portland. But she just couldn't. It would've broken too much and she'd destroyed too much already. So, she left.

At that very moment she needed them at her side. She needed them to tell her she'd be fine. She needed them to promise her that they'd never seperate. She needed them to assure her that she was loved and was able to love. Because, really, she wasn't sure whether she could love her own daughter for Christ's sake!

But they weren't there. The only person in the room was the nurse.

"You'll get used to it and soon you'll love it", he repeated. And Parker, willingly to change her situation for once, did as she was told. Pretending it were the boys telling her it would be fine.

After she'd calmed down she decided that her daughter was actually pretty cute. Never mind the stranger in her room she started talking to her. Telling her that she loved her and that she'd take good care of her and everything she'd always wanted to hear from her Mommy.

The nurse smiled and got up. "See? Isn't as hard, is it?"

Parker shook her head smiling.

"So... did you pick out a name yet?", he asked curiously.

The thief beamed. That was one of the things she managed without any further help from Archie or Apollo.

"Alaska", she said.

"That's nice", he told her and Parker felt like he was the only one, who really thought this was a nice name. "I come from a Alaska."

"Her father does, too", Parker said smiling sheepishly. She didn't even know whether she'd ever see him again and yet she felt like Alaska was the right choice for her daughter.

"Middle name?"

"Don't have one yet. I thought I might find something around here." She shrugged and the nurse chuckled. "What's your name", she asked.

"Mine? Paul Matthews", he stuttered.

"Alaska Pauline it is then... yeah, I think I like this." She smiled.

*

It had been a while since Parker left. Eliot and Hardison couldn't work together anymore after she was gone. Hardison was busy searching for her, while Eliot had the bad feeling that she left because of him.

He wondered, whether he'd see her ever again.

And he would. Sooner than he actually thought. What he couldn't know at this point were the circumstances. He couldn't know, that she'd track him down. And he couldn't know the thing she'd ask him for...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank y'all for the reviews! I'm very happy you like it! If someone wants to beta-read, please contact me. I'd be very happy. :)**

**Enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leverage. Sadly.**

The hospital was in a rush. Nurses who'd worked extra shifts for the last week, because of all those people getting that very same resistent stomach bug. Now that most of them were gone rush hour brought a couple of accidents.

Nobody of them had the time to recognize the young woman, who'd waited there for five hours already. Her daughter soundlessly asleep in her lap.

Parker stroked Alaska's her absently. She was very worried. When Alaska started having fevers one week ago Parker thought it was just a bug. Especially after the kid had thrown up she was convinced that it was something she'd have for some days and that would go away quickly. Alaska was less active those days, but Parker assumed it was because of the sickness. She stayed at home with her.

Unfortunately it wouldn't get any better. When Parker found fresh, large bruises on Alaska's body this morning she went to the doctor. She hated doctors, but she didn't really mind going there for Alaska's sake.

They send them straight to the hospital. After a couple of blood tests and usual stuff, like weight, height and blood pressure had been taken they sent them off to sit in the waiting area. A lot of people had passed. Parker had watched the clock. She knew exactly how long they'd been waiting.

Now that Alaska was asleep she considered taking her back home. She was sick. She should be in her bed not in some waiting area. Parker picked her up gently and went to the reception to tell them they were going home. Of course, nobody had time to listen to her.

"Uhm... Ma'am?"

The nurse was on the phone telling Parker with her forefinger to shush.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but you've to contact your doctor about that... Yeah, I'm aware of what I'm saying. Good night." She hung up and turned to look at Parker. "What's up with you?"

"I just wanted to say that we're going home", Parker said gesturing towards the girl asleep on her shoulder. "She's sick and I think I'll better put her into bed instead of having her getting even more sick around here."

"Alright, what's her name?"

"Alaska Hagen", Parker replied instantly.

"I'll phone the doctor about you", the nurse told her. Parker nodded, though she would've rather replied 'No, thank you.' She was really tired.

"Dr. Anderson, here's a Miss Hagen to see you. Her daughter was transferred this morning... Yeah, no, she wants to go home, says she'd rather put her into bed instead of... Oh. I understand. I'll tell her." The nurse hung up for another time. This time her face showed a different expression, though. Her eyes were sad.

"So?"

"Dr. Anderson will be right there to see you. If you'd just wait for another five minutes..."

"Fine. But five minutes and that's it. Five minutes and we're outta here", Parker told her not waiting for an answer. She walked back and sat down next to a teenage boy with a cast.

Parker was annoyed. She really wanted to bring Alaska home. Something dawned upon her. Something she didn't want to dawn anywhere near her. They should've stayed at home. They shouldn't have come to the doctor. This wasn't good...

In her jacket she felt her phone slightly vibrating. She managed to get it without letting Alaska fall and answered it. "Special Agent Hagen." She felt the eyes of the boy on her.

"Hagen? It's me, Todd", she heard the familiar voice of her co-worker.

"Oh, hi. How's it going over there?" Todd became Parker's best friend over the past years. He was the only one from her past she could stay connected with overall. She didn't even see Archie after Alaska was born. She didn't think he would've approved of her. Never mind, she was now working with the FBI and with Todd. His former partner was now working at the offices and Parker didn't have anything to do anyways. So she took advantage of her alias and started working with Todd, who was currently in some small town, investigating a robbery.

"Fine... Yeah, actually it worked out pretty well. Y'know the trick you showed me. Very impressing", he said, "Though it's way more impressing when you do it."

She smiled at his words. He really was a good friend to her. He always put her feelings first. It wouldn't work the other way around, though. He loved her. And Parker... She gave all her love to Alaska.

"I was calling to ask you about your doctor's visit. Are you still there"

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you: I can see the future", he said jokingly.

Parker rolled her eyes. Alaska was stirring. Probably she'd wake up soon. "Oh, c'mon! You know exactly that this is one of my superpowers."

He laughed. "Well, actually, I called your home and you didn't answer. So you had to be either still at your doctor's office or on your way home. Or shopping. I took a simple guess", he told her.

"We're in the hospital, actually."

"Oh. I though it was just a bug?"

"Me too. Apparently, it isn't. But we haven't had the chance of talking. They had her blood taken and stuff and now we're waiting for five hours. I was about to go before you called, but the nurse told me to wait another five minutes... I guess I'll be going once we're done talking", Parker said reassuringly. "I guess it was stupid. I should've just waited another day or something."

"You don't know that, Ava", Todd McSweeten replied. Parker felt strange. He rarely ever used her alias' first name when talking to her. He always used Hagen.

Ava. Parker felt her heart bump against her rips. This wasn't good.

"Miss Hagen!"

"Todd, they called us in. Gotta go."

"Be safe", Todd said, "And call me once you know what's up."

"I will. Good night, T", Parker said hanging up.

The boy still stared at her as she entered the doctor's office. He'd never seen a special Agent before. He was definitely telling his friends about this.

*

Meanwhile Eliot was hunting down a human trafficking-gang. He was now working with one of the new companies, Parker had started out of Leverage International. But really, he was working wherever someone needed him.

There wasn't a home or anything that he could miss when away.

Still, he found himself sitting at his hotel room wishing there was. He wasn't really alone. Not physically at least. Girls still liked him, though he was striding up to his 40s. Maybe that's why he felt like this life wasn't right anymore.

He didn't spend the night with the same girl twice. He forgot their names, eyes, everything. Only a few girls he hadn't forgotten. Aimee. Caitlyn. And Parker, of course.

He kept wondering about her all the time. He couldn't keep his mind away from 'what if'-thoughts. He wondered what it would've been like If they would've been together. He wondered whether she would've stayed If they wouldn't have hooked up that night.

And yet he knew that the answers he seeked could only be given to him by Parker. So he would never get them. Or at least, he thought.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, you guys. I DO appreciate it even If I don't reply to all of them. :)**

Every event in a life leads to another event.

Remember when you trashed your coffee to go in the nearest bin? Well, you may've actually missed. Someone might've tripped over it.

Remember when you gave some of your old clothes to the thrift job? Someone might've been very happy to get his hands on these clothes. Actually, some people might've been happy.

Every event in a lifes causes a reaction.

That one day Eliot could've met his daughter. He was up where Parker lived to finish a job. Some douchebag pretending to sell good accommodations actually ripped the people off their homes.

Now on that job, Eliot got shot. Since he hadn't Parker there to seam him up and couldn't reach the wound himself, he had to go to the hospital. He waited for some hours. Everyone was busy because of some bugs. Plus it was rush hour. Accidents happened like every minute.

Eliot was pretty annoyed. They applied a bandage (which he could've done himself - thank you very much) and told him to sit in the waiting area. He had been sitting there for three hours now.

He walked over to the reception - not for the first time that day - and asked, whether they even planned on treating him. The recent times he had been way more friendly. But hey! What did they expect from him? He'd been shot. Just because he was loosing less blood with that damn bandage didn't mean he was fine. it didn't mean nothing at all!

The nurse snapped back telling him that If he had eyes he might see that she was busy. So Eliot went back to the waiting area. A trainee brought him coffee to reassure him and told him that he'd be the next call. Of course, he wasn't.

He spent the next hours wandering around the floors. After he knew each painting his favourite thief would've stolen If it was for the original, every airvent she would use to escape and every elevator she'd enjoy to jump he decided that he'd had enough.

As the nurse tried to get him back into the waiting area he ripped the bandage off causing a big mess and some shocked eyes.

"He's been shot and they're not doing anything for him", the people whispered. It wasn't a matter of time until a doctor came and took him to a consulting room.

Meanwhile Ava Hagen aka Parker was leaving after recieving devastating news. Her daughter Alaska, who was fast asleep on her shoulder, was probably sick of ALL, a type of childhood leukemia. Parker would've expected anything when Alaska got sick, but nothing real serious. Actually, she thought it was just a bug.

The doctors had told her that they would like to keep Alaska right away, but Parker... She just couldn't leave her there not yet. For a safe diagnosis they would have to do a bone-marrow aspiration and biopsy. This was something quite painful.

So she'd made the first decision in Alaska's life that she'd made herself knowing it could mean the world. She decided to take her home, do some research and come back afterwards. If there was any way they could've been mistaking...

Parker was away that this was just clinging to the upturned boat. Alaska was sick. She had symptoms. That bruises, her fatigueness... it all made sense with that diagnosis. Still there was no way Parker would just live with that.

Tomorrow they'd have to return for the aspiration. But tonight she wouldn't have to face it. She would just put her daughter into bed and kiss her on her forehead before she'd turn of the lights like every other day...

No, she wouldn't. She was fighting tears behind that blue eyes. She stepped into the elevator, which came immediately after she'd ordered it, not thinking about how funny it would be to ride on.

Eliot was now seamed up and happy. The doctors wanted him to stay overnight, but he refused. He'd already spent to much time in that hospital. Not that anyone would've minded. There was no one for him to come home to.

He was just on his way down to the exit as another girl of the staff ran into him. Her papers went all the way down to the floor one by one. Of course, Eliot volunteered to help her. He learned that the girl was a medicine student and had just survived her first day in the hospital. A patient of hers had asked her to get some water, that's why she went back and got it. Then she forgot the papers she needed to bring home so she came back.

At the entrance a young blonde woman was just leaving her daughter fast asleep on her shoulder.

And If any of those tiny little things wouldn't have happened; If Eliot wouldn't have ripped off the bandage; If the elevator would've been a long time in coming; If the patient wouldn't have asked for water; If the student wouldn't have forgot her paper - maybe Eliot and Parker would've met each other in the hall.

But it didn't happen this way. They both left with their cars, not knowing that they'd been only a floor away from eachother for the past six hours.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry, it's not beta-ed. If you want to beta-read or know someone, who could probably beta-read this, please tell me.**

Todd McSweeten didn't know what to say. He was in a motel miles away from his calling friend. He'd just recieved jeremiad out of the blue. Yet he couldn't deal with his own minds. He had to stay calm to reassure Hagen, who was sobbing.

"When did you find out", he asked. He'd learned how to treat people, who'd recieved bad news by his profession. But he never really learned how to calm his own friends. Maybe this was due to him not having many true friends. He knew a hell bunch of people, but no one of them was someone he could consider as his true friend. Except for Hagen.

"O-one hour ago... well, a-actually yesterday, but yesterday... it was just an assumption and today..." She let out a cry, which cut him deep. "Today they had her tested and she tested positive... oh God, what will I do?"

It was a rhetoric question, he knew that, but he answered anyways: "First of all, you'll fix yourself some tea", he told her. "Is Alaska..." He interrupted himself considering the thought of asking her whether the child was in hospital. "...asleep?"

"Yeah... w-well, I pretty much think so", Hagen told him sniffling.

Todd ruffled his hair. Depending on the time the traffic should be translucent. He would make it within three hours.

"Good. Go, fix you that tea. I'll get in the car and be there in three hours", he said.

She didn't reply, probably she nodded. He wasd about to say 'see you', when she said his name. "Todd?"

"Yes?"

"Could you... stay on line, you know? Just for a while?"

"Of course."

*

Parker sat down on the sofa. The cup steaming and warming in her hands. When Todd hit the Highway she agreed to hung up. If he had an accident... well, this clearly wouldn't brighten the mood.

She was watching some movie, but she didn't really pay attention. Alaska was sick. Sick unto death. It wasn't like anything Parker had dealed with before. It wasn't the flew, it wasn't scarlett fever, it wasn't mumps. It was cancer. And If Alaska took a turn for the worse she'd die.

Parker felt empty. Numb. Lonely. She couldn't live without Alaska.

The last time she cut the cord she'd chosen it herself. She'd broken with all her friends when they didn't even know. What she felt now must've been pretty much what they felt when she left.

Parker felt guilty. Irresponsible. Silly. What did she think when she decided to raise her child all alone? Why didn't she tell Eliot?

She clearly should've. If he'd known he wouldn't have let her leave. She wouldn't be alone. Alone with Alaska. Someone would be there to support her. Misery loves company. Right now the former thief could really use a shoulder to cry on.

Parker felt selfish. Utilizing. Betraying. How could she let Todd come to comfort her?

She knew he loved her. He knew this would never work. And yet she found herself crying on his shoulder again. She shouldn't. It wasn't fair. What if it got his hopes up? Parker knew what love meant. She'd left, because she loved both Eliot and Hardison so much. And because she loved that little jellybelly.

This wasn't right. Probably she should call Todd and tell him to go back. Because a part of Parker loved Todd, too. She just didn't love him like he loved her.

No, she was too selfish for that. Too numb. Too lonely. She really needed him. She didn't know what she would do without him.

Suddenly she heard noises from the stairway. Parker put the cup down and walked out of the living room to see what was happening. She found Alaska barely awake and sloppy dressed into one of her own shirts.

Parker wasn't a big friend of the laundry. Today she would've washed Alaska's pajamas. She'd spent all week in all of hers. The thing was she'd thrown up all over them. When they came home the laundry wasn't done. So Parker just dressed her into one of her shirts. Looking at her now it really looked neglectful and Parker regretted her actions immediately. She walked over and lifted her up.

"Nightmares bothering you, princess?" Fortunately, Parker had started crying already. She would be damned If she let her daughter notice her cry.

Alaska shook her head. "Can't sleep. I'm lonely." She yawned and cuddled unto her mother's chest. Parker stroked softly through her hair.

"You wanna sleep with me?"

Alaska nodded slowly but surely, she was almost asleep already. Parker kissed and walked back into the living room. She turned the TV off, as well as the lights. Leaving her in darkness.

It was strange. She didn't see anything, but darkness. But the sounds calmed her hard pounding heart. Alaska's steady light breaths made her believe that everything would be fine. For that moment, at least.

**A/N: Thoughts? =)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Still not beta-ed. Sorry for every single mistake.**

A year later, Naval Medical Clinic Quantico

"Thank you, doctor."

"You're welcome. Take care."

"We will. Thank you so much.

Dr. Lily Wyatt waved as the boy and his mother escaped the room. She smiled. It's been a long time since she watched a child leave this room cancer-free. Surely, leukemia was highly treatable in young children. Yet the seconds she spent thinking about the kids, who made it, couldn't keep her from the hours she spent considering those, who didn't.

Sighingly she sat down and went through the files searching her next patient.

Again her mind was met with dejection. The little girl, who was just outside the room struggeled cancer for a year already. Nothing seemed to help her. They even tried radiation, something she avoided in children. Nonetheless, it didn't help her. Her blood count was horrible. Actually, Dr. Wyatt was very surprised how well she was doing despite her sickness.

Dr. Wyatt gave another sigh. Then she walked over and called them in.

The little's girl mother was a single parent. It was especially hard for those. Sometimes parents divorced during their child's sickness. Most of them divorced in case of death. But at least they had each other. They had another person right around the corner, who felt the same way. And when their child didn't make it, they weren't alone. Miss Hagen would be.

She was carrying the sleepy girl. Dr. Wyatt couldn't remember the skin tone nor the hair color Alaska Hagen had when she first met her. But if she got it right, the girl had been blonde like her mother. Little girls always missed their hair. Alaska, though, never complained about her loss.

"Hello, Dr. Wyatt." Miss Hagen shifted her daughter on her hip so that she could shake the doctor's hand.

"Good morning, Miss Hagen. Please, have a seat."

Dr. Wyatt waited for Miss Hagen to sit down. Only then she had a seat herself.

It was heartbreaking. Miss Hagen's blue eyes were full of hope as always. Dr. Wyatt knew she'd do anything to safe her child. They'd tried every therapy. Miss Hagen would've willingly given her marrow, but, unfortunately, she wasn't a match.

AB negative wasn't exactly one of the most common blood types.

"Miss Hagen, Alaska didn't respond to the radiation therapy, neither." Dr. Wyatt waited, watched. "I'm sorry", she added after a while.

The young blonde shook her head vigorously. "No, it's not a problem. We'll try something else then."

"Miss Hagen, I'm afraid we're running out of options. We tried everything already. The chemo isn't really working well. Alaska needs a donor or else..." Her voice trailed off leaving everyone to make their own conclusion.

Dr. Wyatt could see that Miss Hagen was struggeling with herself. She bit her lower lip. Her eyes were narrowed to the ground. She was softly cradling her daughter, who was asleep anyway.

"Miss Hagen..." Dr. Wyatt took a deep breath in. "Alaska's father..."

"He's out of the picture", she snapped, "She wouldn't benefit from having him here."

"I understand. It's just... If he could test, maybe he'd be a match", Dr. Wyatt said reassuringly.

"But... he doesn't care." The blue eyes dropped back to the ground.

"You have to give it a try."

"I don't know where he's at."

"But you're with the FBI. Shouldn't they be able to find him?"

"Probably..." Dr. Wyatt could clearly see Miss Hagen didn't want to contact him. She could only imagine why she'd left him. Or why he'd left her leaving his own child behind. He would have to take responsibilty for his daughter. At least, he should try and save her life. Parents should do this.

"I don't like the idea much, neither, Miss Hagen", she finally said, "But you've gotta give it a chance. It might be her last."

*

Eliot was tired. He'd been working all week. Two ribs of his had been broken. He needed to rest. Even though he didn't like it at all.

Lately, he'd been wishing for Parker to come back. Ever since his last visit at his brother's he'd been thinking. His brother Lindsey was married. He had three kids and whether they gave him a hell lot of trouble he loved them regardlessly.

When Eliot watched them he realized he was smiling. And then he realized why he was smiling. It was a sad smile. He wanted it, too.

He wanted to play around with his kids in the garden. He wanted to change his baby's diapers. Hell, he wouldn't mind to get dirty changing his baby's diapers. He wanted it. He wanted to spend the evening with people he loved and who loved him back.

Actually, he needed it.

But he didn't want it with some random person. Girls admired him. But he longed for a relationship like Lindsey's. He wanted Parker. He needed Parker. Back in the old days he never told her, how he really cared for her. She was with Hardison, anyways. And after they'd cheated him in so many ways he couldn't even be close to her.

Then she'd left. She just left. And he'd never seen her again. But he wanted to see her again. His chest ached under the weight of his longing. God, he needed to see her. He didn't care what she'd been doing those six years. Really. He didn't care.

She could've been married or divorced or sick or anything, but dead. He just needed to see her. And when he'd see her, he'd tell her he...

The door ringed. Annoyed Eliot turned the volume of the TV up. It ringed again. More urgent this time.

He managed to get up, growling. It was Friday evening. Couldn't those people tell him about his sins another time?

He opened and was surprised as he found a very familiar, quite soaking little blonde thief in the rain. He was just about to say something, when she said:  
"Can I draw some of your blood?"


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thank you guys for all the kind reviews! I'm so happy you like it. Today I've a day off school (easter holiday - yippie) so I wrote this. Hope y'all like it.  
**

He had dreamed of this so many times. Dreamed of seeing her again. He'd made plans what to tell her. He'd imagined how she'd say she was sorry. He'd hush her putting a finger on her lips. He'd tell her he didn't need her reasons. He'd tell her it was alright. He'd hold her tight telling her from now on she would never have to fear anything again. He'd tell her she was safe. Now that they were back together.

He'd caress her giving her all the power he could give her. He'd tell her that he loved her.

He did have some plans for this meeting. Unfortunately, he let her nature slip.

She didn't say: "I'm sorry I left." She said: "Can I draw some of your blood?"  
And this did pull the rug out from under his feet.

So, instead of doing the things he'd planned to do he took a step back and blurted: "Whoa! What?"

She bounced a little looking down at her shoes. "I'd like to draw some of your blood", she repeated. Maybe, if she'd try to be more polite he'd give it to her. "Please?"

He ran a hand through his hair. She couldn't mean it. Like, seriously, she returned after being unseen for a mere time of about six years to ask for his blood? She just couldn't be serious, really.

"Parker, you..."

"I'm not sorry I left", she interrupted, "I'm not here to apologize."

Again, she put a spoke in his wheel. Quite possibly she even realized it this time. Eliot was too stunned to reply. Whatever, Parker continued on talking.

"I just need some of your blood and if it's good, I'll need some of your marrow, too", she told him as if this was something quite usual. "It's just one simple test. Doesn't even hurt this much."

Finally, Eliot found his tongue. "Parker."

Well, we shouldn't complain. At least, he was talking again.

The petite blonde nodded quickly. "Eliot", she replied.

At this very moment, the hitter's brain wasn't really working. He knew he should probably ask her what she wanted with both his blood and marrow. Maybe she'd joined some harebrained cult. She was crazy enough to do such things. But he just couldn't really care.

He did as actually planned and hugged her. She didn't hug him back, though. So he chose to let her go soon after.

"You're back", he said.

"Yes", she answered, though there was no question to answer.

She waited for it to sink in. She was pretty calm. Of course, she knew where she was going. She knew whose bell she rang when she stood in front of his house. She'd prepared herself. This was something he didn't have the chance to.

After some seconds of awkward silence Eliot started thinking. "Why would you want my blood?"

Parker shrugged. "It's... hard to explain. You'd really help me If you let me draw some", she stuttered. He could see his question made her nervous.

Marrow... only people sick of cancer needed marrow, right? Mh... wait. Cancer?

"Parker, are you sick?"

"Me?"

"Of cancer", he clarified.

She shrugged it off and gave a faked smile. "No, silly. Do I look sick?"

He considered everything. Her crazy faked smile. Her appearance... Well, she did loose some pounds in the last years. But maybe he just couldn't really remember her prior appearance. She wore her hair in a braid. Her skin tone looked pretty healthy. Her eyes, though, looked very tired. At least in the last couple of days she didn't have enough sleep for sure. She wore jeans, a t-shirt, a jacket, shoes, a pistol...

Wait! A pistol?

"You carry a gun?" He pointed at the obvious holster. Parker followed his finger and nodded. "Yeah, need it for work."

"You could've just asked for help! Running around with weapons..."

"Hush, Eliot. No one got killed yet, alright? It's just something... necessary in my line of business", she told him sharply. "None of your business, though. What's about the blood?"

"Are you back in business", he asked ignoring her question.

"No. I'm still honest. Blood?"

"But you don't work with any of Leverage International's Companies... I'd know that..."

Parker rolled her eyes. "Right. I don't. Can I draw your blood now?"

"What's the deal with the blood?"

"None of your business."

"It's my blood. So it's my business", he snapped back. He noticed one of his neighbours sneaking around his garden eavesdropping. Eliot growled, pulled her in and closed the door behind them. Parker gasped in surprise.

"Neighbours got curious", Eliot explained. By that time he wasn't really happy to have Parker there anymore. He would've rather prefered his glorified picture of her in his mind.

"They don't have to", Parker said quickly recovering from her shock. "If you give me some of your blood..."

That's when he realized. "Who's sick, Parker?"

She blinked twice. "How'd you..."

"My sister Sally. She died of cancer. They tested our marrow to find a match, but nobody was." Parker panted. Her hands grabbed onto his t-shirts. She needed help to stand. But he just couldn't let it be. He couldn't. The possibility... He just needed to know. "Who's sick?"

"Alaska", Parker sobbed.

Something dawned over Eliot. Something huge. "Who's Alaska?"

"She... she's..." Parker looked up into Eliot's eyes. Blue meeting blue. "Your daughter."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thank y'all for the kind reviews. I thought I'd give you an early easter present and upload today. :) Special thanks to jjgeraghty, farrago42, february28. I appreciate when people review more than once. :) Thank you so much guys! Happy Easter!**

Eliot dreamed a dream.

He was sitting on a bench in a park. There was a meadow. Daisies. As he breathed air he tasted some salt. He blinked his eyes. There was a jetty, a boat, a lake. Eliot didn't recognize the place yet he felt he'd been there.

The air was warm, but not too warm. It was pretty pleasant, actually. Clouds obscured the sun. He didn't need sunglasses to protect his eyes. The bench was quite comfortable for a bench made out of wood. He leaned back and started to relax.

Closing his eyes the only sounds he heared were those the wind made with the plants. Until suddenly footsteps interrupted the peaceful silence. Eliot straightened himself and blinked into the dim light.

A blonde girl, about five years old, ran towards him. She was holding a posy of daisies in her hand. Poor flowers. They couldn't really stand against her speed and lost their heads. One by one. Yet some of them hold on desperately. The girl giggled and turned around to check If there was someone behind her.

Actually, she wasn't running towards him, but from her. Eliot moved a little on the bench to get a better view of the woman behind the girl. Just like the child she wore a knee-length white dress. It moved around her knees as she ran. Sometimes it hid them, sometimes it exposed them. She was barefooted.

Eliot shifted again and looked her right into the eye. Blue meeting blue. Parker.

He was still smitten by her sight as the girl reached him, pulling at his t-shirt. Instinctivly, he took her up, sitting her down next to him. The girl didn't seem to mind, though. Apparently, she knew him. She handed him the posy and smiled brightly. "I picked those for you", she said proudly.

"Why, thank you", Eliot replied. "They're beautiful, Al."

He couldn't control what his mouth did. It was strange. He listened to himself as he talked, but he couldn't choose the words. The girl, on the other hand, could.

"You gotta protect me", she told him. Looking back to Parker, who was coming towards them, now in a light jog. Eliot felt himself smiling. "As if Momma would hurt you", he heard himself say.

The girl pouted. "It's not Mommy, it's the tickle monster", she explained, "Giddy up!"

Tiny, fair arms reached out for him to pick her up. He did. "Let's see If we can beat the tickle monster, shall we?"

Enthralled she nodded and locked her arms around his neck. "Go, Daddy", she encouraged him.

Daddy? Eliot watched with his own eyes as his body started moving. Moving towards Parker, who was moving towards him, too.

Parker beamed ear to ear and he heard the girl giggle. He didn't really care.

She was so beautiful, he could hardly concentrate on anything else than her. He remembered that song he'd heard recently.

_If only you could love me, sometimes. We'd rule the world together, sometimes. You know we fight forever, sometimes. And end our words together, sometimes._  
_Together as one our lifes are the wickiest, apart our lifes are hideous._

He knew it was true for them. Had always been true, would always be true. Two parts of a whole.

He didn't expect her to knock him down, though.

The kid shrieked and escaped from under his head as Parker started to tickle them both. Eliot wasn't even ticklish yet he giggled as did the child.

"Now I've got you both", Parker announced. Hair dangeling into her face. Into her beautiful Parker-face. She grabbed the child and turned her upside down. The kid contorted herself, but it was pretty helpless. Parker laughed. Oh, the hell, wasn't she so beautiful when she laughed?

"Daddy!" The girl was busy sniggering. Out of breath she repeated: "Daddy! Help me!"

Eliot jerked up and, as soon as he was back on his feet, reached forward tickling Parker back. As opposed to Eliot she was pretty ticklish. She chuckled so hard she almost dropped the child, who started shrieking again. Eliot grabbed the kid before she hit the ground.

Though she'd almost recieved a critical injury she didn't seem to mind. "Put me down, Daddy", she demanded. Parker ruffled through the girl's hair.

"We should cut goldy locks already", she stated.

"I like my locks", the child complained. Parker rolled her eyes. "Eliot."

"I think Ally's got beautiful locks", Eliot replied. The girl, apparently going by the name of Ally, smiled contently and hugged his leg for a sec before she let go and wandered off. "I'll fix a coronal", she told them.

Eliot was about to follow her - only god knows why - as Parker grabbed him by the wrist and stopped him, luckily. "Don't you think someone, whose name is Alaska should be able to make a coronal without supervision?", she smirked.

Alaska. Ally. Al. Yeah, it did make sense now. Strange name, though.

"Guess you're right."

"See?" Parker beamed again. Without any prior warning she slumped onto the meadow pulling Eliot with her, as she still had a quite tight grab on his wrist. The meadow was soft as they fell onto it. It felt like heaven. Her hand let go of his wrist and grabbed for his own hand instead. They were holding hands. Something Eliot couldn't recall they'd done ever before.

"Look! This cloud looks like a frog", she told him pointing towards a cloud. They'd played this game before. With Hardison. Eliot bit his lower lip. His body decided to play along, though.

"And this one looks like a turtle."

Parker followed his finger and gave a nod. "Ohh, and this one's an igloo."

"That's no igloo, Parker", he corrected. "It looks different... kinda like a bee."

"A bee?" Parker sat up and rolled over placing her head on his chest.

"Yeah, see, it has wings", he told her. Parker looked back and shook her head. "Totally an igloo."

"No, look clos..." Suddenly Eliot chocked on his words. He couldn't breathe anymore. It felt weird. Not good. Even the grass wasn't as soft anymore. Parker straightened herself.

"Eliot? Eliot", she called. Actually, repeated it like some mantra.

Parker...

He didn't hear her anymore. He couldn't keep his eyes open for another moment and closed them. Parker...

The next thing Eliot felt was cold water in his face. He jumped. Blinked.

"Parker?"

She blinked. Twice. "Oh good", she said then, putting the bucket she'd been holding down. "You're awake."

Eliot shook his head and blinked again. He realized that his hair was wet.

"Tickling wouldn't work, so I had to try something else, I'm sorry", Parker explained shrugging.

"What happened?" He felt a headache building up.

"You fainted", Parker said casually.

"What? Why? I never faint."

Parker bit her lower lip nervously. "Don't you remember what I told you?"

"No, what..." Eliot's mind raced. Oh god. He remembered. "Alaska", he said.

Parker tilted her head a little. "So... you do remember?"

_*song-quote:_

_"Sometimes" by Walk Off The Earth_

**If you don't know Walk Off The Earth you should check them out. I was at their concert lately and it was so amazing. I highly recommend this band and really - I don't listen to anything else on the radio. :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Here you go! CHAPTER 8! Guys, thank you for the reviews! You're so amazing! You make my day with those reviews, believe me!**

Todd walked around the apartment looking for Alaska. As long as Hagen couldn't take care of her he was. He actually found her asleep on the carpet of his living room. Supposedly she'd spent her time staring out of the window. Again.

Todd sighed. She really missed her mother. Hagen had been away for two days already and wasn't coming home until another two days would've passed. She needed some rest between driving. Plus she needed some time to find the guy she was looking for. And now that she'd found him she needed time to convince him to donate for Alaska.

Snorting Todd shook his head. That guy!

If Todd had been in his spot he wouldn't have ever stopped looking. And he would've made sure to find them. How could somebody let Hagen just go? She was far too amazing to be just forgotten.

She never lied to him, though. Or at least, he believed. She told him she'd left. Alaska's biological father didn't leave her. Hagen left him. Yet she named her daughter Alaska for his home. Todd had learned a long time not everything Hagen did was reasonable. She was mysterious. Her way of thinking was inscrutable. Loveable.

Todd smiled at the girl. At the same time he felt sad. At home Alaska refused to wear neither caps nor headscarves. Both Hagen and Alaska never showed any interest in getting a wig. With her bare head she always looked so sick. She was sick, of course. But when they went to the playground or to the park or the zoo she seemed to be full of energy. She pointed at the animals or swings. She explained her knowledge to him. She always searched Hagen's eyes for approvement.

Sleeping on the carpet bare headed didn't seem so healthy. Not walking to the bed one door away in lack of energy didn't seem healthy. It was hard to imagine her being healthy anymore.

He touched her shoulder, softly. He would've to wake her again. Before she trailed off to the room and fell asleep they'd just eaten dinner. Spagetti. Her favourite. Never mind, she didn't take her pills yet. And she couldn't just take them whenever she felt like taking them, which would've been never. She needed to take them every night at the same time.

"Alaska..." He caressed her sunken cheeks, which had been chubby some time ago. She was breathing lightly. Deeply sleeping. It was amazing yet scary. When she fell sick she started to behave that way. One moment she'd run around like nothing the other she'd blink twice and fall asleep then and there.

Around the house it wasn't that big of a problem. But when she had such a moment on the street... Well, let's say she hadn't hurt herself there only just once.

Alaska blinked sleepily. She moaned.

"I'm sorry, Ally. But you need to take your pills", he told her truely sorry. Not that she cared. He'd just woken her from sleep. Who likes that kind of entertainment?

"I'm not do any drugs", she told him seriously. Todd sighed. He wasn't rather surprised. Hagen told him this every time she got hurt on the job. She always refused pain killers. Apparently, the girl was picking up.

"Firstly, you know those aren't drugs. It's your medicine and you gotta take it", Todd explained, "Secondly, Mommy totally approves of your pills."

Alaska yawned and cuddled into the carpet. Then she seemed to notice something and jerked herself up rather quickly. This made her dizzy and she grabbed for Todd's jeans. He put a hand on her back, another on her head for her to back herself against him. When she was feeling better she asked ever so innocently: "When is Mommy coming back?"

Todd sighed innerly. They'd had this talk for at least fifteen times that day. Always with the same result. He knew exactly where this would end.

* * *

Alaska: When is Mommy coming back?  
Todd: She called and said she'll be home in two days.  
Alaska: When is that?  
Todd: In two days.  
Alaska: When?  
Todd: You've got to sleep again twice.  
[he then would notice this was something bad to say with a child, who slept at least five times a day]  
Todd: Or ten times.  
Alaska: So she'll read me my bedtime story today?  
Todd: No. I'll do that for you.  
Alaska: But why?  
Todd: Because she isn't back until the day after tomorrow.  
Alaska: When's that?  
Todd: In two days.  
[the conversation would continue like that until Alaska would either fall asleep, get hungry or throw up]

* * *

She'd thrown up another two times that day. Todd was afraid she'd throw up again. In case this would happen he'd have to take her to hospital, because of dehydration. And they'd have to drip-feed her - Alaska hated being drip-fed.

Todd decided to skip the conversation. "I'll read your bedtime story today", he said picking her up.

Alaska grabbed his shirt to keep herself steady. Her arm so skinny and fair it was scary.

"I don't like the pills. I feel bad after", she managed to say.

"I'll fix you some water with ice after", Todd offered. Alaska loved ice cubes. She liked to chew on them or to make holes into them with a bendy straw.

"Bendy straw?" Alaska's blue eyes flew up to met his. They were of another shade as were Hagens. Hagen said it was her father's shade of blue. Yet they looked quite lovely. Todd smiled.

"I have a pink one saved just for you", he told her.

"Thank you, Daddy", Alaska told him and cuddled into his shirt closing her eyes again.

Todd smiled contently. Alaska never called him anything, but Dad. Though no one encouraged her to call her Dad. First both Hagen and he thought she couldn't pronounce T and O, so she made Dad out of Todd. But she continued. Apparently, she'd picked it on in her kindergarten. Other kids had a Mommy like her and the man at her side was their Daddy. Alaska put one and one together.

First they tried to talk her out of it. Always empathizing Todd. But when she didn't stop the Dad they just dropped the issue.

"If you don't mind", Hagen had said, "I don't mind not much."

He didn't mind. Not at all.

After he'd Alaska ready for bed - tooth brushed, pills taken, dressed into her pajamas - Todd went back into the kitchen and fixed her water. He actually only had two pink bendy straws left. He'd go out and buy new ones tomorrow.

As he returned to Alaska's makeshift bedroom in his office she was waiting for him already. She was eagerly patting a spot on her bed. In her hand she had one of her favourite bed time stories, Karlsson-on-the-Roof.

Todd smiled and put the glas down on the nightstand, which actually was one of his commodes. It wasn't the first night Alaska spent at his, though. "You want me to read Karlsson on the Roof?" He pointed at the book.

Alaska shook her head beaming in mischief. "I want to show you something." She cleared her throat and looked at him. "Ready, Dad?"

Todd nodded.

Alaska opened the book and then started to read: "_In a perfectly ordinary street in a perfectly ordinary hous in Stockholm_ - that's in Sweden, Mommy says - _lives a perfectly ordinary family called Stevenson._ Mommy says, this means one of the family's fathers is called Steven... _It consists of a perfectly ordinary father and a perfectly ordinary mother and three perfectly ordinary children, Seb, Sally and Smidge._" Alaska looked up from the book to look at Todd shyly. Waiting for approvement.

"Who taught you to...?" He was baffled.

"A girl in the hospital. She has no hair. Her name is Sally." Alaska shrugged. "I read just the first page."

"This is amazing, Ally!" Todd hugged her.

"Exhausted", Alaska said aprubtly. "Read for me?"

"Of course." Todd kissed the girl's forehead and then continued where she'd stopped. "'_I'm not an ordinary Smidge at all', says Smidge..._"

The FBI-Agent read until the little girl fell asleep. He imitated everyone, making up a different voice for each character. Before she fell asleep Alaska chuckled and smirked and made holes into her ice cubes.

Todd dimmed the light and kissed the little girl's forehead again. "Goodnight, Alaska. I love you", he told her.

Maybe, one day, he'd kiss her Mommy and tell her those three words, too. Or at least, he hoped.

_*Karlson on the Roof by Astrid Lindgren_

**A/N: Duh... Hope y'all like it. If you wonder what's with me and those quotes lately... I don't really have a clue. All I know is that I've gotta get rid off the nail polish my little sister put on my nails. It smells. It's ugly. And it's smells. Really, it's all I can think of right now. Have a nice day, derps.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: So, it seems like you'd like me to focus on Eliot's part in this whole thing? I thought I'd just give it a try. Here you go. Sorry for it being incredibly short. I'm working on some bodypainting. Took me a whole day for four damn photos! :P Thanks for the reviews, guys! Still make my day! :) Tell me what you want to see next else I'll decide! :)**

Eliot had never really thought about the meaning of being a father. He'd dreamed of all the good things. He'd dreamed of caressing his children. Kissing them goodnight. Reading bedtime stories. Arguing with unfair umpires. That's what Eliot had dreamed of. He'd never dealt with the bad part, though. He never thought about responsibility. He never thought about how to deal with a sick child.

Alaska…

Ever since he'd heard of her, seen her… He couldn't get her off his mind. Parker showed him a picture she had with her. The picture showed Alaska at her last birthday party. Parker told him they hadn't taken many pictures since Alaska fell sick.

"I look in the face of death everyday", Parker had told him, "I don't need pictures to remind me. I prefer pictures, which show Alaska how she's supposed to be."

It sounded harsh. But after he thought about it, he did understand. Or at least he tried to.

He fell in love with the picture Parker had shown him at first sight. The little blonde girl, who looked so much like Parker, was smiling into the camera exposing that she'd lately lost a teeth. She was full of joy. Her blue eyes, obviously his, reminded him of the way his own eyes looked to be, before he'd done everything he wasn't proud of. Innocent, happy. Eliot wanted to know this little girl. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to watch her fade during an illness.

"Hey, Eliot, are you okay?"

Eliot trembled. He'd let his mind wander again. Too bad.

"Dammit Parker, I was…"

"In thought?" Parker shrugged not taking her eyes off the road. "Yeah, I kinda feel you at this point."

Eliot didn't bother to reply.

"Sometimes I think about what would've changed if I'd stayed." Parker smirked. "You know, how our life would've been…" She bit her lower lip. "…as a family. Maybe it would've been nice that way."

Eliot continued to stare out the window. He wasn't really up for that talk yet, apparently. Parker chose to just shut up and drive. They went on like that for a while. Sitting in silence, driving. It was deep in the night. The road was almost clear. They'd taken shifts on driving so that they'd be back sooner. Eliot didn't really need any sleep, though. None of them had slept much that days.

It was strange. Parker noticed that she couldn't sleep very well without Alaska by her side. Though Alaska rarely ever shared her bed with her anymore Parker missed the feeling of having Alaska next door. Yesterday she'd called Todd four times in the evening just to make sure. Alaska was already asleep back then. She didn't have a good time. She'd thrown up again. And she'd fallen asleep in random places again. Parker was very worried.

"Why didn't you stay then?"

Parker shifted in her seat uncomfortably. She'd known he'd once ask this question. She'd thought about her answer. Yet hearing the question wasn't as easy as she'd imagined.

Since she'd told him about Alaska he didn't ask much. He said they should just go already. He let her draw his blood and send it to the clinic, though he thought it would arrive later than them. He asked her for a picture. He asked her for her personality. Then he'd quit. He bought a stuffed pony at the (Tankstelle). And he asked Parker not to comment on it. She didn't.

"So?"

"I… It would've ruined us", she simply said. It was the brightest way to express her reason. Yet she knew he probably wouldn't pick it up like nothing.

"Excuse me?"

Parker sighed. "Us. You, Hardison and me. Us. It would've ruined us."

Eliot frowned.

"I was with Hardison when I fell pregnant with you. This isn't exactly something good for a friendship", she clarified.

"But… it was ruined already", Eliot argued. It was Parker's turn to frown. "I couldn't be in a room with the two of you no more. I couldn't look Hardison into the eye without feeling the betrayal…" Further Eliot couldn't look at Parker without the realization that he loved her and would never get her.

"Eliot…" Parker turned to look at him. "Don't you think I felt the same stuff? Especially after I realized…" She blinked unwillingly to end the sentence.

"You could've told me", Eliot said. He squeezed the stuffed animal in his hands.

"I did", Parker exclaimed.

"What?"

"Well, I didn't exactly tell you I was pregnant, but… I… that one evening when you caught me eating ice cream and watching that Pixar movie?" Parker smiled sheepishly. "You asked me why I would watch this movie. Stupid plot and stuff. I told you one day I would want to watch those movies with my children. You said you'd rather not have any children If you could avoid watching this shit…" Her smile faded.

"But I didn't know the context, Parker!"

"It wasn't about the context, Eliot, it was about the thing! You didn't want children!"

"I didn't even know you were expecting!"

Parker glared. "Yeah, you didn't notice anything. Hardison did, though."

"What?"

"He figured shit out. Asked me. I didn't have a choice but to tell him", Parker said.

"You told him?!" Some car honked. "Shit, Parker! Take your eyes back onto the street!"

Parker mumbled something, but she watched the street either way.

"Hardison knew", Eliot repeated.

"No… well, yeah. Kinda. I didn't tell him your part. I just told him I'd cheated on him while he was away and that I fell pregnant."

"So he knew about you being pregnant?"

"Of course, silly. I just said", Parker answered. Could a man truly be so stupid?

Eliot grabbed some of his hair. Breath. He had to focus. God… If he had just asked Hardison… He never asked. He suspected she'd left because of him. He himself left two months after, because he couldn't stand Hardison.

A lot of things made more sense right now, though. Hardison never really looked for her. He just randomly searched. If he wouldn't have been aware of her safety he clearly would have looked harder. He just didn't mean to find her.

"So… you left because of me?"

Parker snorted. "I wouldn't say that", she said her voice tiny as a whisper.

"So, why then?"

"Eliot. If you could change anything in the past would you?"

Eliot blinked. But she seemed to seriously be asking that question right now. "Uh… yeah. I think."

"See, I wouldn't."

"You wouldn't?"

"No."

"You wouldn't go back and…" Eliot shrugged. "Stop what we did? Prevent it?"

"No way", Parker said her voice cracking.

"Why not? It ruined us", Eliot replied harshly.

Parker turned to look at him, determind. Her expression scared him. She seemed to be shocked, almost... disappointed.

"Alaska", she told him and both of them knew all was said.

Eliot looked down at the plushie. He yet had a lot to learn in terms of being a Dad.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Guys! I can't really believe it we made it to Chapter 10 within the holiday! You guys are so amazing! Your reviews make my day. Keep them coming! Good or bad, I can take it! :) Have a nice day!**

It was deep night when they finally arrived at Parker's place. They'd changed their seats about

20 miles ago and Parker had been asleep ever since. They didn't talk very much.

Eliot wasn't sure what to feel for her. All those years she'd betrayed him. She'd kept his own

daughter from him. All those years she could've come up to him and tell him the truth. She never

did. Never before their child fell fatally sick.

He was wondering whether he would've ever seen Parker again If it wasn't for Alaska's

sickness. It broke his heart as he found himself doubting that. For the first seconds of her

arrival he'd actually thought she was back for him. Back to be with him. He thought he was the

reason. Apparently, he was far too egocentric.

Parker developed from the love of his life to a mystery in a mere of minutes. Once he thought he

knew here. Now he wasn't so sure anymore. Her pokerface didn't let anything slip. He couldn't

reach her or even try to understand her. Why would she do this to him? He just didn't know.

Her reasons were... well, they couldn't be denied. Yet Eliot couldn't really follow her lead.

Probably those reasons only made sense to her.

He'd also been trying to figure out who their daughter stayed with while Parker was away.

She'd mentioned a Todd, but Eliot clearly couldn't remember a Todd. Was she with him

nowadays?

He felt jelaous of Todd, though he couldn't really recall him. But Parker seemed to deem him

capable of babysitting her daughter. Now Parker didn't deem him capable of that. At least, five

years ago she didn't. Eliot didn't even really know anymore why he'd accepted on this. Parker

wanted to keep Alaska a secret? Fine, she can go hang. But Eliot wouldn't be there to cut the

rope.

No, clearly, he wouldn't.

But his daughter wasn't responsible. And he wouldn't let her suffer, because Parker thought

she could get away with everything. As far back as he can remember, Eliot's father always

looked out for him. No matter what he'd done. Because that's what parents should do. They

should be with their children. They shouldn't leave them alone. And now that Eliot knew about

Alaska he would make sure to never leave her alone again. Even If it wasn't on purpose in the

first place, since he simply didn't know of her existence at all.

Eliot parked the car and attempted to get out as he noticed Parker was still asleep.

He couldn't help himself, but think how cute she was. Her hair was fuzzy and her cheeks

were chubby and red as If she was cold. Her mouth was slightly opened. She'd cuddled

herself in the car seat. Eliot wondered whether it had felt the same as she cuddled into his

chest back...

Damn, how dare he! Angrily he reached over and shook her by the shoulder. Parker blinked a

couple of times shifting in her seat. Then she stiffened and woke up. "Are we there already",

she asked. Not bothering for him to answer she jerked up and spied over his shoulder. "Oh,

indeed", she then stated. She detached her belt quickly and opened the door.

As Eliot followed around the car she threw him his duffel bag. She then shut the trunk and

started walking towards a tiny white house. High ceilings, though.

"Don't you want to get your stuff", Eliot questioned as he tried to keep abreast.

"I always keep it there", Parker told him, "In case of an emergency."

As they arrived at the door Eliot realized: "I forgot the plushie."

Parker shrugged. "That's not a problem. She's asleep either way, I bet. You can get it

tomorrow."

Eliot decided not to fight over a plushie yet he would've liked to get it. He felt his heart beat

against his chest. He wouldn't meet her now, but he was very nervous. What If she didn't like

him? What If she wondered why he hadn't been there all her life? What If...

The door flipped open and Eliot heard steps on the stairs. Todd...

"Remember I'm Ava Hagen", Parker whispered before she threw herself in the arms of that

man.

That very shy, very lame FBI-man they'd met more than once. He was also pretty unlucky in his

job. Eliot knew him.

Parker ended their hug and turned around to introduce them. "Todd, this is Eliot. Eliot, Todd."

"We already met", Eliot growled. Parker blinked her eyes begging. Eliot didn't know why he

should do her a favor in the first place. For the kid. It's all for the kid, he told himself as he pulled

all his strength together and shook Todd's hand.

"Yeah, hi", Todd said his voice not any better than Eliot's. Yet Parker didn't judge Todd with her

eyes or words.

"How were things going today?"

Todd nodded lightly. "Alright. But I think we should move this to the living room", he suggested.

Parker nodded and followed Todd towards the living room. As she noticed Eliot still standin in

the stairway she turned back around. "C'mon! What are you waiting for? Christmas?"

Eliot just stared blankly. What he was waiting for... He didn't exactly know that. One floor away

his daughter was asleep. He just noticed. Nothing else really mattered.

His daughter... upstairs. She was just one floor away. She'd always been a hundered of miles

away. Now she was one floor upstairs and he didn't get the opportunity to see her?

"I just..." He pointed to the stairs, self explaining.

Parker stirred, then she nodded once more. "I understand. I do want to, too. She has a light sleep."

"Then... why don't we? It would only be a little peek", Eliot said. He watched still in his place as

Parker bit her lower lip.

"It really is a light sleep", she told him.

"Just..."

"Eliot."

He then realized it wasn't all about Alaska's sleep. She didn't want him to see her. Eliot doubted it was about him seeing her in the first place. She didn't want him to see her being sick and all. Silly her, did she really think she could keep him from her forever? Sooner or later Eliot would see Alaska. Screw her sickness.

Ignoring the urge to go upstairs and check on his daughter Eliot nodded in response. "Alright, we'll wait until tomorrow then."

Yet he couldn't help but turn around at the doorframe. His eyes were drawn to the six blue letters glued to the white wooden door. ALASKA.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Finally I have the time to update! I'm so happy to share this with you guys, you can't even imagine. Thank you for all the reviews. I'm happy you like these words... :) Here you go! Have a nice weekend!**

Eliot was surprised to wake up to the smell of coffee. Considering he only slept 90 minutes a day and went to bed at about four a.m. had him wondering. He hesitated to get himself a cup, though. He couldn't be sure whether he'd find Parker or Todd in the kitchen. Maybe he'd even find both of the lovebirds.

Is it childish to say Yuck? Because yuck was what Eliot thought when he thought of them together. In a relationship. Parker and Todd. Yuck.

He'd spent the night with her. They'd shared the bed. Eliot had been waiting for Parker to ask Todd to leave. She'd offered Eliot her guest's room, not the couch. And Todd had a bad back. He simply couldn't sleep on couches without awakening to a body, which he couldn't move.

Once Parker had to put him in the back of her car and drive him everywhere for a whole day. Haha.

At least he was stupid enough not to notice how he annoyed Eliot all the time.  
Anyways, at about 1 a.m. Parker told them she was going to bed. Quickly after Todd yawned for them to notice he was sleepy, too. Both of them wished Eliot goodnight and then they just went the same way. Up the stairs into Parker's bedroom. Both of them.

Eliot spent some hours in the stairway, but there clearly was no other door or room Todd could've used. Fortunately, it was silent all the time. If they really enjoyed being back together as much as Eliot figured they did, they behaved themselves.

Eliot really was in need of some coffee. But he wasn't in need of seeing Todd, not at all. So he tried to figure out if Parker was in the kitchen without really entering it.

He heard laughter and figured that probably he wouldn't be able to avoid Todd all day anyways. With quick steps he walked over and pushed the door open. Todd wasn't there.

Parker was fixing herself a coffee and she wasn't alone. Alaska was sitting right there on the counter. Eliot couldn't help, but focus on her bare head at first. He could've before seen to see her head like this, but somehow he'd thought of her with the blonde curls she had on the photo Parker had shown him. Secondly, he noticed her pajamas. It was a Robin Hood pajama. Eliot smiled at that. Thirdly, he noticed her bare feet. He figured walking around bare foot wasn't exactly the best thing when you're sick. Then her eyes caught his. She had his eyes. It was the same shade, exactly. Eliot blinked, but it wouldn't change. There was no need for any more prove. Alaska was his daughter.

"Morning, Sparky", Parker greeted. "Do you want some coffee? Or warm milk?"

She handed a cup of warm milk to Alaska, who eyed him suspiciously. She seemed to be sleepy yet she was very aware of the strangers. She didn't seemed to be frightened or anything, though. Apparently, she wasn't one of those shy kids.

"Coffee would be great, thanks", Eliot said. He was quite happy he was able to answer although he was so drawn in by his daughter. His daughter. She was very skinny. He felt the urge to blame someone. He knew there was only a sickness to blame.

Parker poured him a cup of coffee, while Alaska bounced on the counter. She slammed her legs against the counter again and again and again.

"What's the matter?" Performing a perfect act of multitasking, Parker handed Eliot his cup while stopping Alaska's leg motions and catching the cup the girl had dropped just before it hit the ground. Not even a single drop spilled.

"Who's he", Alaska asked pointing at Eliot.

"Eliot", Parker said simply. "Did you drop your cup on purpose?"

"Who's Eliot?"

"Who's Alaska? He's Eliot, alright? Eliot is Eliot. Now did you drop that cup on purpose?" Parker's voice wasn't threatening. She clearly didn't ask to punish Alaska. She asked, because she was worried Alaska's muscles had failed.

"I'm Alaska." Alaska raised her hand and put it to her chest. The cup of milk was now standing at her side. "I'm five. You?"

"I'm Eliot. I'm thirty-nine", he replied automatically.

"Thirty-nine…" Alaska frowned in thought. "Is that old?"

"Well, what's old for you?"

Alaska shrugged. She grabbed her cup and took a sip. "I guess Mommy's old. Because I'm not old."

"In that case, thirty-nine is super old", Eliot told her seriously.

Parker rolled her eyes. Clearly annoyed by their talk. Or worried. It was hard to figure out. "Yeah, we're all old here. Now did you drop the cup, because you wanted to drop it or not?"

"Coffee is gross", Alaska told her father. Well, she didn't know who he was.

"Alaska Pauline, I've asked you a question!"

Alaska shrugged. She didn't seem to be impressed by her mother's use of first and middle name. "I don't know. I guess it just fell."

"That's not good", Parker said.

"Sorry?"

"No, it's not your fault, Ally. You're perfect", Parker told her brushing over her bare head absently.

Alaska downed her mild in one swig and jumped off the counter. "I'm getting dressed", she informed them. Parker nodded distantly while she wrote something down in some notebook. Eliot watched as Alaska walked over to the door, stopped there and turned around saying: "See you later, Eliot!"

She gave him the brightest smile and left.

"She's..." Eliot didn't know what to say. He was a little bit shocked by her physical appearance. Yet he'd to admit that this girl did have a lot of energy. She had his eyes and Parker's bright smile. For a girl of five years she had a good vocabulary and she was very curious. She didn't really appear sick to him except for her looks. She seemed so... happy.

"Hard to sum up?" Parker smiled vaguely. "Yeah, she's almost always like that in the morning. I enjoy that time very much."

"At what time", Eliot asked.

Parker sighed, took Alaska's cup and started to wash it up. "At the time before she's had any therapy or pills."

"Oh."

They both stood in silence for a while listening to the water. Parker dunked her cup into the sink and did some spoons and other dishes, too. Outside some birds twittered. As Parker was finally done washing-up she turned around leaning up against the counter.

"I thought maybe we could go to the playground with her today. She doesn't have any therapy today, means we've got time and she won't be too sleepy to do anything", Parker suggested. Eliot didn't reply immediately, which confused her. So she added: "Only If you want, of course. I don't mean to force you. We're perfectly fine on our own. I just... I thought you might be interested in making contact, you know?"

Eliot nodded slowly. "I am."

"Good." Reliefed, she exhaled the breath she'd been holding.

"What's about Todd?"

"What's about Todd", Parker repeated extremely confused.

Eliot cleared his throath. He was getting more and more uncomfortable in this small kitchen. He needed to get out. But he couldn't. Not just yet. Not as long as he didn't know...

"Well, I thought..." He gestured upstairs. "He and you... You know."

"Todd and I?" Parker laughed stopping him with a wave of her hand. "No, we're just close friends... I mean, he'd love to, but I just... I can't."

She stared at the ground. Surprised by the confession she'd made to both of them. Eliot gulped. "Why?"

Before she could answer though, the door swang open and Alaska entered the room dressed into jeans and t-shirt and accompained by Todd. Speaking of the devil.

Eliot took another sip off his coffee. Most likely he'd have to wait for his answer.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Sorry for not uploading in years... Until June I've got a lot of exams... I'm also trying for my Graecum, that's very hard... Anyways, I should be learning right now, but left my folder in school, so I chose to write for you. Here you go :) R&R makes me happy ! :)**

After one week Eliot had gotten used to the routins of family life. He'd learned that each morning Parker would pour warm milk for Alaska. Sometimes she'd make herself a coffee, sometimes she'd drink milk, too. But they'd always do that in the morning before Alaska would take her pills.

Alaska took her first pills before breakfast. After taking them she always got very sleepy. More than once she had to been dragged out of bed at lunchtime. She didn't go to pre-school and assumably wouldn't start school in autumn.

Parker spent the morning with working in her office. Eliot still couldn't really get the idea that she really was an FBI-Agent now. He'd done some research on Ava Hagen those days and only then realized how important this job had become to Parker. Agent Hagen was a very well known and feared FBI-Agent. She'd solved all her cases. And she never left any loose ends.

Eliot spent those mornings with his research on Parker's new life. He also wandered through the house wondering. When Alaska was half awake he read stories to her or they played games. She prefered the stories, though, because she couldn't really concentrate on the games.

Sometimes Alaska was very awake after lunch. They'd always go outside after lunch. But those days they'd visit the playground.

Alaska loved swinging against Parker, but she also loved it, when someone pushed her on the swing. She was so happy when they went to the park. Even though they only went there twice this week she talked about nothing else but the park and the swings.

Eliot loved the time they spent in the park. It was the only time they could be all happy together, as a family. In those very moments he could forget about the anger he couldn't help but fight. Parker had dragged his child away from him and there simply was no reason for him to forgive her - just like that.

And she didn't really regret her decision. Well, she never said. But she also didn't seem to be willingly to even apologize. She just watched, let things happen.

Eliot was caught up in emotional disaster. On the one hand, he really wanted this life. He wanted to watch Alaska first heal and then grow. He wanted to be there for her, as a Dad. He still loved Parker somewhere in his heart and he longed to just bring up this feeling again. To love her again, like he used to. Without a doubt.

On the other hand, he couldn't really trust her after what she'd done. His idolized picture of her had been ruined and he couldn't bring it back. Alaska already had a father even if his relationship towards her mother might seem strange. She'd grown up thinking of Todd as her father. Whether she'd like Eliot more as her pa in highschool or not - Eliot could never catch up with Todd.

The nights Todd spent soothing little Alaska in Eliot's place. The days Todd joined Parker and Alaska for family trips in Eliot's place. The booboos Todd healed kissing them away and blowing on them in Eliot's place...

No, Eliot would never regaint that lost time. And he would clearly never be the man, Alaska called Dad.

On the eighth day of living with Parker and Alaska things changed, though. The day started like always. Eliot woke up to the smell of warm milk and coffee. Parker had already placed a cup on his nightstand.

He couldn't help, but smile at the gesture. Yet he wasn't sure whether she wanted to be nice or show sorrow. After they strange talk they never really discussed feelings anymore.

Eliot downed the coffee in one sip and got up. He walked into the kitchen. Surprisingly he found both Parker and Alaska completely dressed. Alaska usually went back to bed after her pills. At least she wouldn't change before noon.

"Uh? What's up?"

"Morning, El-i-ot", Alaska said smiling as she reached out to him with her finger. They shouldn't have watched E.T. the day before, really.

"We're going to the hospital today", Parker explained gesturing towards a back with Alaska's name. "She'll probably stay for a week or so. We're also recieving the results for your blood test."

"You wanna come", Alaska asked. "It's not really funny, though. It hurts. But you can come to me after. Won't hurt, I promise."

"Surely, I will", Eliot told her.

"You've gotta get dressed", Parker demanded. She grabbed Alaska and went away without another word. Eliot blinked, confused. One day, this woman would drive him completely crazy, that one thing was sure.

*

Parker asked Eliot to stay with Alaska while she'd talk to her doctors. Eliot was surprised as Parker always watched him when he was Alaska those days. She'd opened the door of her office and even shifted her desk to watch them way better. She never let Alaska alone with him.

"Uhm... don't you feel like, you know, calling Todd to watch her?" He scratched his head, nervously.

"No. I trust you not to harm her." Parker spinned on her heel and was gone within the next moment.

While Eliot wondered about her behaviour he bought himself a coffee and went to sat down next to Alaska, who was sleeping after her pills. Many wires were stucking in her arms... Eliot felt sick as he realized how sick she really was. In that hospital bed she seemed so... he couldn't help but say dead.

There was nothing left of the cheerful girl he'd played with in the park.

At least, she'd be there again. His blood would heal her and then she'd be who she really was. Who she longed to be.

"I'll make sure you won't die", he told her, "I promise."

He let his mind wander...

Eliot felt even sicker than before as he came across a thought in Parker's case. What If she didn't watch him, because she didn't trust him? What If she'd watched him, because she didn't trust fathers?

Eliot shook his head. No, he didn't really want to think about it. Yet it made a lot more sense than...

"Eliot?"

He turned around and found Parker standing in the doorframe. She was clenching her teeth.

Oh oh.

"What is it? What did they say?"

Parker shook her head holding back the tears. "You're..." She exhaled hasitantly. "You're no match. You can't help her. No one can."

He was no match.  
No one was.  
There was no hope.

Easy as that. And the world collapsed.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: How about you forget how long I haven't updated and review, because it's my birthday? :D However, here you go. **

Parker hit rock bottom. She was shattered. Devastated. Eliot being a match had been her only hope. Now, all hope was gone just like that. Alaska would die and nobody could prevent that. She'd have to watch her suffer until God would finally rest her soul...

Clearly, the former thief couldn't stay in a room with her for any moment. Without even waiting for a reaction she stormed from the room and ran straightly into Dr. Wyatt, who'd been following her.

"Miss Hagen..."

"Leave me alone!" Parker tried to push past her, but the doctor was surprisingly strong and kept her from running away.

"Please, you've got to consider Alaska..."

"What is there to consider? No match, no donor, no cure", Parker shouted. Anger. She'd slipped right into the second phase of grief. Dr. Wyatt had it hard not to sigh.

"This is not over yet", she told her calmly.

"How would it not be over? There's no one to help her, don't you understand? She'll die! She's just five years old and she'll die!"

"She doesn't have to! There's still a chance left!"

"What kind of chance would that be", Parker practically spit it out. "A month ago you told me there was no hope If we wouldn't find a donor!"

Eliot closed the door behind him as he entered the floor. He noticed people staring at them, sadly. He didn't care for their pity, though. He just didn't want Alaska to hear this. And he meant to reassure Parker.

It was hard for him, too. He was sad. It couldn't be true. He'd just found his daughter and was now to loose her again? This had to be a very bad joke. Couldn't someone just pull out the camera and tell him they were tricked?

Nobody did.

"That's right so far", Dr. Wyatt said, "But there's still one chance left."

"You told me..."

"I didn't tell you about this very one, because it didn't appeal to me in your case, but now that here father is here, it might work."

Eliot's mind was spinning wheels. What was she referring to?

"What is it", Parker asked. "Tell us! Whatever it is, we'll do it!"

Of course. The scales fell from Eliot's eyes just before he was told.

"Saviour sibling."

*

"There's no way we're having a saviour kid", Parker said for like the 13th time since Eliot and she started discussing it. They were outside of the hospital. Alaska was asleep and the doctors would call them once she'd awake.

They really couldn't argue like that inside the hospital.

"Parker, she would live", Eliot said.

"You were a saviour sibling! Your sister died, eitherway", Parker pointed out.

"Back then there was no possibility to make sure", Eliot paraphrased. He knew Parker would do anything to save Alaska. Plus, they wouldn't throw away their second child after that. He'd also heared that younger siblings cheered sick kids up, so...

"Possibility to make sure! Ha!" Parker throw her arms up into the air expressing her rage. "Selection! That's all it is!"

"See... it's Alaska's best chance and this second kid would live, too."

"Yeah, live and suffer to save our first." Parker shook her head. "Alaska wouldn't want this and neither do I."

"Really", Eliot snapped getting a little angry himself. "Because Alaska's at that very age every child wishes for a sibling."

Parker gave him a look that would've killed him if looks could kill. Using Alaska against her wasn't really fair, really, but what was he supposed to say to change her mind? He couldn't just keep watching! Why didn't she want to help her?

"You're not getting my point. It's not the right way. If you don't need to you're not having a child in that very way." She throw her hands up in horror.

"What way?"

"Doctors giving your hormons and then touching you... that's science. Children should happen in another way if possible. And Alaska's proof it's possible for us", Parker explained. She'd sat down on some rock and Eliot was standing beside her, arms crossed in front of his chest. Now he sat down next to her.

"What for?"

"Hm?"

"How are children supposed to happen."

Parker looked him into the eye for quite a time, then she said: "They should happen out of love."

He blushed and coughed slightly. Parker smiled at it, but just for a second. Then she continued mourning her deep thoughts.

"We'd only have one and they'd create 10 or something of our children. We'll kill 9 out of 10. We'd be murderers. Murderers of our very own children", Parker said.

Eliot didn't know what to reply. They watched as some people crossed the street. The air was warm and promising. Promising for hope.

"We'd save two", Eliot told her.

Parker shook her head. "No, we can't do this."


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Sorry for not updating. You know me. I'm bad at that. If no one pushed me I just... don't sorry. Anyways, here you go. Reviews would be great! I did some research about this. I hope it is right. Correct me if you find mistakes. =) You're great!**

Eliot's mind spun. Was it that wrong to raise a child to help cure another one? Didn't people always see kids as blessings? Why would they argue with them having another?

For the reason they had their baby. To save their other child.

Eliot doesn't really care for those voices, though. He can take the judgement. Problem is, Parker can't.

It's pure selfishness, they say.  
It's inhumane, they say.  
It's wrong. Just plain wrong, they say.

And Parker listens to them, to all of them. And then she tells him their arguments.

In fact, she doesn't even have a real honest opinion.

All those years she'd always had someone to rely on. Now she doesn't and she can't cope. It's her decision to make. It's not Todds. It's not Eliots. But hers.

Parker is frightened by this. All she wants to do right now is lock herself up, what's funny since she's always feared prisons somehow. But at this very moment she'd prefer prison to that decision. She's prisoned already, imprisoned by her mind.

Each day she watches Alaska suffer, she cries inside. Yet she can't do that. She can't have another child with Eliot like that. She'd just end up having two children suffering instead of one.

Even more fatally, she would've put that second child into that position. If they'd have another child naturally it probably wouldn't fit Alaska. Then it wouldn't suffer. But the way everyone's talking about concieving right now is just plain wrong. None of Eliot's words can change that.

So why is she at her doctors' office now? Why is she taking that damn shots? Why can't she just go up to Alaska and tell her she's sorry, but she can't help her? Why is she doing this?

Eliot's with her, but she asked him to stay outside of the office. He doesn't need to see her exposed like this.

It hurts. Not much, but it does. Scars. She's afraid of blood. Hopefully it won't bleed.

"Almost done", Dr. Anderson tells her. Normally women prefer female gynecologists, Parker doesn't. She picked Dr. Anderson for him being male. Why she doesn't know. Probably it's because she always had male friends and rarely ever female friends. You can't trust females. They lie and cheat and stuff.

Almost done. Yet Parker still feels like it's totally wrong.

How will she ever be able to look straight into this kid's eyes and tell her that by no means she was created only to cure her sister?  
That's what the kid needs to be told, people say. Kids need to know that they are loved reagardlessly, the say.  
But what will happen in case Alaska dies? Will Parker still be able to love this child?

Honestly, she doesn't know. It scares her. Very much.

And she can't even look herself straight into the eye anymore. She feels weird. Wrong.

No, not wrong. She's long lost the wrong and right in life. She doesn't know about those two anymore. She doesn't really know about anything. It's horrible.

They went to a psychologist talking it through. And he told them that their decision was perfectly fine. But he talked to Eliot most of the time, who's statified with this decision. Nobody asked her. And saying 'no' she got strange looks.

Yesterday she felt sick with the IVF stuff coming around again and stayed at home, while Eliot went to see Alaska and do some grocery shopping. Whenever Alaska stays at the hospital for more than a week Parker just stops eating healthy. But right now that they're trying to get her pregnant she can't live on cereal and chocolate only. At least, Eliot thinks so.

Nevermind, she was out in the yard at noon. Reading a book. She isn't allowed to do exhausting sport, neither. She's supposed to get used to being pregnant. Funny thing is, with Alaska she's still jumped off towers. Just not as often.

She heard her neighbours chatting about something. Normally she doesn't care for gossip, but since the book was extremely boring she decided to listen in. What she heard caused her mind to spin and her food to come up again.

They were discussing her situation.

"People shouldn't be allowed to make a genetic match for their sick child", one of her neighbours spit. "How will this child feel like if the girl dies?"

"I think it's not that bad", another female neighbour, most likely Bonnie Sampson, she had a son close to Alaska's age and teenage twins, argued. "When she's little she won't make her mind up about this stuff."

"Yeah, but once she's old enough she might even reject to help her sister!" Probably, this was Louise Leicester, a friend of Mrs. Sampson, who hated Parker, but adored Todd, speaking.

"As far as I'm concerned Ava and Todd rarely ever push Alaska to do something. I don't think they'd force the second child, neither."

"As far as I'm concerned Todd doesn't have say since he isn't Alaska's biological father and won't be the second's child father, neither", Louise blurted.

Parker clenched her teeth. She'd also talked to Todd about this whole saviour sibling thing. He'd told her it was his decision, but 'If he'd been the one in Eliot's position, he'd ask her to do the same'.

She'd never loved Todd, not really. Yet he was Alaska's father by heart, if you might so. Plus they'd spent five years living off and on at each other's places.

At this very moment Parker came across a strange thought. Couldn't she have a baby with Todd to match Alaska?

As fast as this thought had crossed her rotten mind she erased it.

Genetically, this wouldn't work. Eliot was very enthusiasting at helping Alaska per Parker's womb, too.

So she decided to give in. Never think about all the stuff people had said anymore. She took her book and went into the house. Very thoroughly making sure that they heard her shut the door.

"We're done", Dr. Anderson told her. "You should lie down for another twenty minuted and then you might go home." He smiled up into her face. "How are you feeling?"

"Weird", Parker admitted quickly. "A little dizzy."

"Seems normal to me." Dr. Anderson spun on his chair. "Is there someone to pick you up?"

Parker smiled and nodded. "There is."


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Thanks to jjgeragthy I keep this story going. But I think I'll quit soon to start something more people are interested in. Sorry, but I don't have so much time. And I'm very sorry If you like this story, but I just think it isn't worth wasting time. Still love you people and I hope you guys still accept me, too. Here you go...**

Once more, just once more she'd walk into this certain doctors' office for THAT reason. Just once more.

She was so happy today would be the end of this journey. If she fell pregnant, of course. But until now everything had worked quite nicely. She didn't think of anything that could go wrong at this point.

Eliot accompained her today, though she had refused for him to be. He'd insisted.

"Miss Hagen, please", the receptionist called out.

Parker jumped off her chair quickly and let the tabloid, she'd been reading fall down next to her former seat. Eliot picked it up and placed it where it belonged to be while Parker stormed towards Dr. Anderson's office.

Eliot wondered why she was stressing this whole thing. The last time she'd stalled until the very last minute when it came to go here. Today everything was different. She seemed okay with their decision. Almost happy. Finally.

She winked for him to follow and he adjusted.

"Miss Hagen!"

"Dr. Anderson!" They shook hands.

Eliot and Dr. Anderson shook hands, too. They've met once before.

"you can get comfortable on the couch", he offered to Parker.

"But... don't I have to get undressed first?", Parker asked, merely confused.

Dr. Anderson smiled. Eliot had to stop himself from chuckling. Just Parker was absolutely serious. You couldn't blame her, though.

"We'll do an ultrasound first, just to make sure you won't ovulate tomorrow", he told her. Parker nodded understanding. "Well, that makes sense."

Eliot let his eyes wander, because he was afraid he would blush If he'd continue to listen to this naive talk. He was surprised by the way both Parker and her doctor seemed so okay with this situation. He was also surprised about Parker's lack of knowledge. She seemed so firm everyday, but days like those showed that she'd learned just those things she thought she'd need later. Nothing more, nothing less, neither.

"It's getting a little squichy and cold now, but you're used to that, right?" Parker replied her doctor's smile. Another reason she wanted to have a male gynecologist? She liked the way he had her smiling every time she came to see him.

The feeling of the cool liquid made her remember the first time she went for an ultrasound. She had been surprised by the look of her fetus. Everyone was talking about gummibears. her baby looked more like a tulip's blossom. and chocolate. Of course.

This time, there wouldn't be a fetus on the screen, of course. Though, she hoped to soon see one on the display.

"Alright, let's see..."

Dr. Anderson used the sonographic unit and Parker took a look at the screen. It looked just like it used to look like when she went for an ultrasound with Alaska. Nothing unusual.

or at least, she thought.

Dr. Anderson furrowed a brow. Just for a sec before he zoomed into the picture. But Parker noticed.

"What's the matter?", she asked moving just slightly to grab Eliot's hand out of instinct. He didn't reject the gesture, though.

"I'm not sure... I gotta check this..." Dr. Anderson moved closer to the screen. Then he spun around on his chair and asked: "Did they take your blood already?"

"Yeah..." Parker nodded towards her crook of arm with a plaster on it.

Without another word Dr. Anderson stormed out of the room. The door shut behind him.

Parker's heart was racing. "E-Eliot... what's happening here?"

She was afraid. Very much afraid. She didn't know what was wrong. But she was afraid as If it was a matter of life and death.

Possibly, it was, though.

"It'll be alright", Eliot told her not willingly to hell the truth. That he didn't know what was going on, neither. That he was afraid, too. No, he just couldn't tell her that.

"Eliot... If I die", Parker begun.

"You're not gonna die. You're fine!", Eliot spit angrily. Parker shifted ever so slightly. Then she said with a stern determination in her voice: "If I die, then please take care of Alaska and involve Todd."

"What?"

"Involve him. He's like a father to her. I know you can be a great Dad, too, but... he's seen her grow up. Taking her away from him wouldn't be fair for the both of them. I would never tear them apart.", she explained. In a whisper she added: "I wouldn't tear us apart again, neither."

Eliot was stunned. He blinked. He couldn't help it. He just couldn't get out a straight word.

What she'd just said... stunning. It was anything, but...

The door swung open again. Dr. Anderson raced inside not sitting down, not even closing the door before standing still. He had a weird look on his face.

"What is i..."

Eliot was interrupted by Dr. Anderson, who said: "Congratulations. You already are pregnant."

"I am?", Parker asked, voice crooked.

"Apparently, you got pregnant naturally... I don't know how this could happen. we must've missed some eggs..."

Parker didn't listen as he went on talking about the chances of this to happen. She would've liked to kill herself.

She had fallen pregnant naturally. There was no gurantee that this child would be able to save Alaska.

It was her fault. Eliot never meant to do this. She was so hormonal. She just wanted to know...

Fuck. They should've never done this.

Why did she always screw things up like this?

First her childhood.  
Then her relationship with Hardison.  
Her friendship with Eliot.  
And now, finally: Alaska's last chance.


	16. Chapter 16

They sat down on the couch. To talk.

Eliot never liked talking like that. He wouldn't admit it out loud, but the thought, let alone the action made him panic.

You couldn't blame him for that, though. The first time he had a serious talk ended with him being send to war.

Over there they turned his whole world upside down.

He could never sit down on the couch they had the talk on again. Never.

Considering he'd probably stay some more nights and days with Parker he didn't like the idea of hating the couch. It was a very comfortable couch. He liked to spend time snuggled into a blanket there. Alaska on top of him giggeling as he read her a story.

He always missed Parker there, though. Just a few steps away in her office. Just a few steps. Yet he never dared to take a step until that night. And this, apparently, came to a bad end.

"We're screwed", Parker told him dead serious.

"This is not over yet", Eliot argued out of pure instinct, "Dr. Anderson said..."

The blonde interrupted harshly: "The chances of having a natural match are nowhere near as good as those of concieving a match via IVF are. This baby won't be a match."

"You shouldn't keep telling yourself that", Eliot snorted. He looked down at his shoes. He couldn't look her straight into the eye, yet the other day he'd seen parts of her... he didn't look away back then, did he? Why did he now?

"What?"

"Ever heard of self fullfilling prophecy? The more you convince yourself of that idea, the higher the chance it might actually happen", he explained, "You should rather tell yourself the baby is a match."

"The baby", Parker spit angrily. "Shouldn't you rather say the second child you got me pregnant with by accident?"

Eliot clenched his fists. He wasn't about to punch her. He didn't punCh women, especially not pregnant ones. Especially not those, who were currently pregnant with his child. But what she said hurt him. He just couldn't stop himself. It was just like a reflex. " It's not like you didn't cut a figure in this yourself!"

Parker blinked her eyes. "It's not like I was the one who started the kissing!"

"Well, you did enjoy it, didn't you? No one made you reply the kiss."

"Replying was kinda polite", Parker said.

"Polite? Are you kidding me?" Really, could anyone blame him for avoiding such talks? They always ended with those involved being at the edge of disaster.

She shrugged.

They were talking about responsibility, future, their kid, well kids, actually... and all she could do was shrug and tell him she loved him by pure courtesy? Really?

He couldn't let this matter rest just because she was pregnant.

Oh well, this sounds very wrong, either.

"Tell me, who of us took advantage of the situation? Who knew exactly how the counterpart would react to those words? Who of us did say those words? Who?"

"Damn it!" Parker threw her hands up in horror. She stared at the couch table. Apparently, she couldn't face him. It surprised Eliot. He didn't think she'd actually feel guilty. It's not like anyone ever taught her what guilt means. "I... I was hopped up on hormones, okay? I didn't really know what I was doing! I didn't mean to harm anyone..."

"Neither did I", Eliot interrupted desperately.

"You didn't!", Parker spit. Finally she faced him. She was about to collapse. "Eliot, you pushed me to have that baby so much!"

He couldn't believe she was still trying to put all the blame on him. "Well maybe this wouldn't have been necessary If you'd told me about Alaska right away."

Parker blinked in confusion. Eliot considered his words. Actually, they made no sense. He had to add some. And he could only do that by hurting her. Bad.

"Well, If you'd told me five years ago I would've pushed you into another direction", he said.

They were both panting by now. Exhausted by yelling, fighting, arguing. Eliot didn't know what would happen now. She wasn't about to answer. Her eyes were frightened, haunted. Yet she was still processing those words he had just said.

He knew, he could change them. He could twist them around. He'd just had to add another sentence. He just had to tell her he'd made sure to keep Alaska's cord blood, or something. There was a possibility of turning tables.

Yet he didn't. He didn't since he realized that he didn't want to change his words. She had hurt him so much, so many times. He wanted this revenge. He wanted her to be hurt, either.

What he didn't want, though, was, what actually happened.

There are many ways to cry.

There's that way a child cries when she's just lost her balloon.

There's that way a teenager cries when his heart gets broken for the frist time.

There's that way a parent cries when he's told his child has got only two months to live left.

All of them can be cured. All of them. It takes time, but they can be helped.

The child needs some ice cream. The teen needs a new love and a lot of stuff to distract him. The parent needs to go on with life, supporting friends and the wish to once release the beloved soul.

Eliot knew those ways of crying and he knew their cures.

Now the way Parker cried was totally different. It wasn't like anything he'd ever witnessed before. She cried without making a sound. It all came crashing down around her ears. She seemed powerless. She slumped down. She caressed herself by wrapping her arms around her upper body and pulling her knees under her chin..

Eliot gulped as the feeling of guilty took over.

She cried waterfalls. He knew it. He couldn't see her face, though.

"Parker, I'm sorry... Look, If there's anything I can..."

"Just leave", Parker yelled.

"I didn't mean to..."

"LEAVE! Goddammit just leave!"

Eliot rised and walked towards the door. He stopped at the frame, but he just couldn't pull himself together and refuse her wish. After all he understood her reasons quite well.

He actually left the house. He couldn't be in a room with her, let alone her house. He just couldn't.

What he did... What he said... He knew it wasn't okay. Wouldn't be again, maybe.

Angrily he kicked an empty beer can. "I'm screwed!"

**A/N: Thank you for all the support on the last chapter. I will finish this story so that it gets a proper ending. But it won't be the way I actually planned. I'm glad you understand. You're the best.**


	17. Chapter 17

So. After considering all the ways he could try and excuse himself he chose to go for a shopping spree and get some of Parker's favourites. For example she'd told him she really liked Belsoy Dark Chocolate dessert. He wasn't entirely convinced by soya and stuff, but the hell If she really liked it.

Pregnant women like food, right?

Well, the thing he didn't think about was that he'd never seen Belsoy in a supermarket before. When he finally came to the point he asked a nice chashier he was told that Belsoy was aviable in Canada only.

Living near to Canada actually seemed to be a good thing. So, what did he do?

He actually went those 10 kilometers to Canada and bought that damn dessert. Just so that the police men at the BIP could tell him Silk is actually owned by the same parent company and would taste the same.

There wasn't much Eliot needed after that day.

A shower.

A meal.

And forgiveness, of course.

Yes as he opened the living room's door he came face to face with a picture so wrong to his eyes that he blinked twice to make it faint. It didn't.

There was Parker, asleep on the couch. So far, so good. That was nothing unusual. This couch was extremely comfortable. Considering her pregnancy and their argument as well she must've been really exhausted. It was hardly surprising to find her like this. Plus, she was actually very cute when asleep.

He bit his tongue for his stupid thoughts. She didn't want him like that. When would he finally start using his eyes and just accept this?

Still, he couldn't help but smile at the sight.

He smiled until he had his eyes flitting higher and recognized fingers brushing through the blonde's soft hair. Rough, big fingers. Male fingers. Agent McSweeten's fingers.

Eliot's mind spun and came to a simple conclusion.

Parker asleep on the couch = good (and cute)

Parker asleep on McSweeten's lap = bad, very bad (and not very cute)

Ever so slightly the hitter clenched his fingers around the bag he carried.

_She's not your girlfriend. It's her choice, _he told himself. Yet he couldn't help but think some of this was to hurt him.

She wasn't his girlfriend. Maybe she wouldn't ever hit this status. But she was carrying his child, their child.

If there was anyone whose lap she should fall asleep on; anyone, who should brush through her beautiful silken hair – wouldn't it be him?

Apparently not.

She'd told him she wasn't interested in a relationship. Not with him. But not with McSweeten, neither. Eliot had trusted her.

He'd thought she couldn't be with him, because she simply didn't feel like starting a relationship. Because she was a loner. Because she felt better on her own. He'd thought she'd need some time... He'd thought that one day...

"Hi, Eliot", the FBI-agent smiled foolishly. He let go of Parker's hair to wink.

Eliot flinched as McSweeten gently moved himself out from under Parker's head and placed a pillow below her before he let her down. McSweeten gestured towards Eliot to follow him into the kitchen, which could be entered through the living room as well as the corridor.

Eliot groaned soundlessly, yet he followed McSweeten into the kitchen.

„Coffee?", the FBI-agent offered.

„No, thanks."

„Mind If I pour me one myself?" McSweeten didn't wait for Eliot to answer. „I didn't have much sleep those days."

„Neither did I."

„I see. It's gotta be exhausting, huh?"

„What exactly?" Eliot didn't like it when McSweeten had this special look on his face. Testing. Searching. What for exactly? If he'd had the balls he would've asked him already. But he didn't.

„Well... I just remember the last time she's been in hospital non-stop. We were all very exhausted." McSweeten turned around the cup damping in his hands. „Ava fell asleep in the middle of a sentence today."

Ava. Not Hagen. _Ava._

„Actually, I'm in need of a coffee now." Eliot smirked falsly. „You mind?"

„No, won't take long."

Without any hesitation he longed upstairs and grabbed a cup. Unlikely Eliot, who always searched for everything in Parker's chaotic household he knew exactly where to look for. He actually found two coffee cups.

"I'm worried, Eliot", he told him.

Eliot furrowed his brow. When exactly did they start being on first name terms with eachother? He must've missed that somehow.

"What for?"

"Ava. It's a lot for her to handle. Ally, the pregnancy..." McSweeten shrugged innocently. This jerk.

"She doesn't has to handle this stuff all on her own. I visit Alaska everyday."

"Yeah, of course", McSweeten said. „But you... the argument the of you got into. You can't make her mind stop, can you?"

As Eliot didn't reply immediately, he added a shy: „No offense."

"No... You're right", Eliot replied. Those words actually hurt some more than he'd originally thought. "I bought her favourite dessert, though."

McSweeten gave an innocent, naive smile. "She'll appreciate that."

Eliot blinked as he realized something.

This man acutally loved Parker so much that he didn't care for Eliot to make an impression on her as long as it would keep her happy. Really, he cared so much for her. It was true. It wasn't like all does men, who pretend they care, because they want to lay their girl later that night.

No, Todd McSweeten knew very well that he wouldn't end up being Parker's or Ava's boyfriend. But he cared so much that he'd accepted this. Just like that.

Eliot shivered.

He didn't deserve her. She didn't deserve him.

McSweeten and Parker deserved each other.

"I... I'll go check on Alaska. You take care?"

"Sure. But isn't it too..." Eliot was already out of the door as McSweeten finished: "...early?"

**A/N: Would love to hear your thoughts =) I wrote it during my french lesson so I'm sorry If the english is odder than ever. :D And thank you guest for that very creative review on chapter 15! :)**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: I know it's been a long time... you know me. Are you guys still interested? My holiday starts tomorrow :) Enjoy!**

Parker didn't appear exactly talkative the following weeks. Though Eliot made some attemps to start a talk, maybe get down with their unfinished business, she always refused or fled the room.

He was also surprised to find she had none of those cravings everybody talked about when talking pregnancy. She went on with her life as If she wouldn't notice her body undergoing huge changes. Actually, very huge. Eliot reassured him that she was showing early due to being very skinny. One of his sisters did this, too. Well, with her first child, at least.

Alaska returned home when Parker was 13 weeks pregnant. The doctors couldn't really help her anymore at this moment, so they sent her home.

To die.

Nobody ever said it. Die. Everybody kept avoiding this awful word. Yet it was clear that If Parker wasn't carrying a match, Alaska's first Christmas as a big sister would also be her last.

Eliot was amazed how much the things had changed and at the same time were still the same. Parker still poured him a coffee in the morning. She managed to spend the same amount of time working everyday, even sundays. Not a second more or less. They still took Alaska out to the park occasionally. They still had each of their favourite food once a week.

But there were some hints of what to come. The former office was slowly turning into a nursery. Alaska's old crib stood in the middle of the room. Her old changer was pushed against the left wall. They'd stored the boxes with her baby stuff in this room.

He'd been surprised she'd kept it all this years. He'd actually asked her. "Why did you keep this?"

Clearly, she couldn't have suspected those events to happen.

In surprise she'd shrugged. "I'm not quite sure. I guess, I just wanted to keep that, because..." She'd sighed stroking over the soft cotton of a black baby bouncer - of course Parker's kid would have something like this. "Somewhere in my heart I just want her to stay a baby forever."

Eliot couldn't feel her at this point having only known her for half a year at that very moment. He hoped he'd feel the same for their second child, though.

Slowly, but truely everybody got excited about the baby anyways.

Alaska couldn't wait to be a big sister. She volunteered to help the best she could with stuff concerning the baby. She drew paintings with keys and money, who would be shocked, to hang up in the nursery. And whenever they met someone, in the park or at hospital check ups, well, even at the supermarket, she babbled about her soon to be born sibling.

Eliot himself longed to experience all the baby stuff he'd missed out on Alaska. He'd longed to count tiny fingers and toes. He'd longed to walk around gently cradling the little one. He'd longed to go to the park with Parker and his kids, pushing the stroller, an arm around Parker's shoulders and Alaska next to them talking about pretty butterflys surrounding them. He pretty much hoped that the baby would make them a family, heal Alaska and make Parker love him.

Parker, however not showing it very much, checked her belly everyday as she had when pregnant with Alaska. Yet this time the feeling wasn't one of dawning fear of failure. It was a mixture of excitement and the need to meet the little one growing in there. She was by no means fascinated with the sanctity of life.

Todd was the only one, who didn't feel good about this. He loved Parker. But he'd hoped that next time she'd be pregnant, it would be his. He also feared once the baby was there, they'd be a family. A family with his father. A family where he wouldn't be needed neither endured any longer.

The problem with people, though, is that they like to keep their feelings by themselves, feeling that somebody might be upset when told. People like to avoid confrontation for the sake of peace. Really, how often have you let someone go, while you indeed loved him?

Parker had agreed to take Eliot to her 16 weeks appointment when the gender would be revealed.

"Would you like a boy?", Parker asked while the tech poured gel on her exposed stomach.

"Huh?" Eliot shrugged. "I don't really care, I guess."

"I'd like a boy", Parker confirmed and sighed.

"Why?"

She blushed and didn't reply turning her eyes towards the screen.

In the next second she frowned at the sight of the tech. They young assistant's eyes wandered over the screen again and again.

"what it is it?"

She didn't reply immediately. Instead she watched the heartbeat closely. Eliot's one heart picked up quite an unhealthy pace.

"What's going on", he asked, urgently.

The tech startled and blinked. "I-I'm not sure. I gotta go get the doc to come..." With those words she actually fled the room leaving Parker and Eliot all alone with their wandering minds.

Die... Nobody ever said it, because nobody wanted to hear.

"She..." Parker swallowed hard. "She checked the heart monitor..."

Eliot blinked. "You don't know what she did there."

Parker shook her head. "I know. I asked when I was pregnant with Ally."

"It's been six years."

"I hardly ever forget anything important, Eliot. Besides I asked at my first appointment with this one, too..." Parker turned her head looking him straight into the eye. "Don't leave", she said, her voice fainter than a whisper.

"What?"

"If the baby's dead. If Alaska dies... don't leave me. Please. I need you", she confessed, "I-I wasn't hopped up on hormones that much that night... I meant to do what we did... and... I'd like you to stay. But I think If our kids die, you won't. So I ask you not to leave. Please."

Eliot was stunned by her confession. He could hardly recall anything except for the part where she told him she needed and practically loved him.

She loved him!

The door swung open and Parker almost lept up from the lounge. "What's wrong with the baby?"

"Just lay down and relax. I'll check it. There's nothing you've got to worry about..."

Parker did as told, though she didn't feel really safe doing this. And she felt like he was lying, too.

After some minutes in which no word was said, the doc turned to the tech and told her: "You were right."

"So, what is it?"

"Congratulations! You're having twins."

And yet again Parker had the dubious honor of watching Eliot faint.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I just saw that this story has overall 11,100 views! Thank you very much for that! =)**

Eliot didn't spit a word about what Parker had said at the doctor's office on their ride home. She thought, hoped, he was drugged with fatigue. She kept reminding herself that the twins had been a shock for both of them and that fainting didn't exactly show his happiness about them. Maybe, he was just too shocked to think about what she said earlier.

But he didn't bring it up the next day. And not the next week, neither.

Parker questioned herself.

Did he hit his head somewhere while falling and forgot? No. They'd have noticed that.

Did he mixed things up and thought he'd said it and was now embarassed? Maybe... but not really.

The other options though, had her clung to those answers.

Because, If he did remember, he didn't want to discuss it. Which was equal to him not loving her. And right now, she didn't know whether she could take that.

Parker wasn't dumb. She knew she shouldn't be concentrating on this one thing. Probably he needed some time. She wasn't about to rush him. Well, she was, but she instinctivly knew this wouldn't help.

Instead, she chose to spend some time with Alaska. She intended to give her some amazing memories in case she wouldn't be able to make any more the year after.

It was hard, though. She couldn't take the kid anywhere, because Alaska was so sick. She had to find amazing stuff close to their living area, yet not too exhausting. Things they could do by themselves, yet with help nearby in case of a happening. Things fun, yet child appropiate.

They went to a craft-café, where you could craft and eat. Alaska loved it.

They went to a big aquarium and spent hours watching fishies, sharks and other marine organisms. And Alaska loved it even more.

They visited the library, reading and lending as many books as possible. And she loved it.

The thing was, Parker was running out of ideas quickly. Even though she didn't take Alaska everyday there wasn't much activity fitting her criteria.

"Just do the craft thing again", Todd suggested, "She blathered about it for days."

But Parker didn't want to repeat anything. Even though with fraternal twins their chances of having one match had risen a little bit, she didn't know for sure. It could be a thing they'd could do another 100 times in the following years or it could be the last thing they ever did together. Nobody knew.

After a lot of research Parker found an amazing museum where everything was behind glass. It wasn't boring though, as the glass was everywhere. They walked on glass, they walked around glass, they even ordered cake sitting on glass cubes. Again, Alaska loved it.

Parker was exhausted as hell, though. In her head she was looking for a great thing to do on Alaska's birthday in early July, which was a few weeks ahead. She'd thought of a rainbow themed party since Alaska loved this. Yet she wasn't sure what to do except for rainbow cake. Maybe the kids could do batik with t-shirts and dresses. That would be theme appropiate, right?

"Mommy?"

Parker blinked facing Alaska, who was still sitting on her cube a milk-shake in front of her. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah... I'm fine", Alaska gave a shy smile. Then she frowned. Something she shouldn't do. Parker hated to see her frowning. "I just wonder whether you are, too."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you don't seem so happy", Alaska replied, shrugging.

Vigorously Parker shook her head. "I'm just a little bit tired." She smiled weakly.

Alaska pushed her milk-shake aside so that she could look her mother straight into the eye. God, that girl was sugar to Parker's eyes. She was so beautiful, yet so fragile. Her tiny head started growing hair again slowly, she was still wearing headscarves, which made her look like a small pirate. But her eyes... So blue like Eliot's and so beautiful honest.

"Mom, we don't have to do this", she told her dead serious.

Now it was Parker's turn to frown. "What do you mean, Ally?"

She sighed. Definitely her life was much to handle for a child of not even six years.

"I'm... I like it, really", she said. "It's great. Just... don't bother."

"It's my pleasure. You know that", Parker defended herself. If anything she didn't mean for Alaska to feel guilty about this.

"Mommy, I love you. No special things, you alone." The kid smiled. And her beautiful blue eyes smiled with her.

Parker teared up a little, but didn't let a tear slip. Not in front of Alaska. She longed over and brushed over her daughter's cheek.

"I don't deserve you at all, monkey", she said.

"Let's go home."

*

Eliot wondered what Parker was doing with Alaska today. Both of them always returned spent and happy.

Unfortunately, too spent to talk to. He couldn't talk to Parker when she just needed a shower and a nap, seeing how important the issue was.

She'd told him she loved him... Well, kinda.

It took some time for him to realize that he would like to say it back. But ever since she'd behaved strangely when home and coming home after her special dates with Alaska she was exhausted as hell.

Until now, he'd never had the opportunity to have "the" talk. It racked his brains.

He kept himself distracted with painting the new nursery.

Green and white. They'd agreed on that since the room was too small to have a boy and a girl corner. Plus, they'd agreed on having them share one big bed. People said, this would make bonding easier for twins. Though, he didn't really believe that, he liked the idea of them never needing to be alone at night.

Like he was.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! If there's someone willingly to help me with a school project (I'm writing a crime novel for that), please let me know. And of course don't let me miss out on your thoughts about this chapter ;)**

Parker frowned angrily. She knew Eliot had a hard time trying to hide his laugh behind her back. It didn't amuse her not much.

"I know it's not perfect", she admitted not turning around. She couldn't stand to see him biting on his fist to make the laughter go away. Plus, it seemed like the glaze didn't agree with Parker's plan for it. At least, it didn't drop so much anymore.

Clearly, it couldn't hide the mess beneath. Parker sighed and turned around to take a look at Eliot's cake. Their competition started playfully, but right now it was a pain in the ass.

His cake was perfect. It was white in with rainbow sprinkles on top. He'd shaped it in the form of an unicorn. The sprinkles formed nicely shaped eyes, the horn as well as the mane. Alaska would love this.

"I guess I should have seen that coming." She shrugged and finally, Eliot let out the chuckle he'd been holding for so long.

She digged him in the rips. "Hey! I'm allowed to say it, doesn't mean you're allowed to laugh at it."

He pulled as close as possible with her stomach separating their faces quite a bit and kissed her on the lips. She kissed him bag and giggled.

It felt good to finally do what both of them had wished for.

Remember, when we discussed that every event in a life leads to another? Well, in their case this hadn't been a bad thing. This time, at least.

When Alaska stopped the crazy entertaining and made them go home, she changed the life of both her parents.

Parker hadn't been exhausted when coming home. Alaska, though, went off to have a nap leaving Eliot and Parker alone in the living room.

They talked. Finally, they had the chance to talk. Realizing that they both had the same feelings for one another and eventually saying it out loud made them laugh.

They'd been avoiding this talk – for what? Sometimes you take a step further. You might get hurt. But you might as well end up happy. And they did. Very happy, indeed.

Alaska didn't seem to mind the newly springing relationship. She wasn't the kid, who said "yuck" when they kissed or something like that. Actually, she didn't ever say a word about it. When they told her she nodded and told them she was happy for them.

At the age of five this was a surprising statement. They'd been prepared to have her say anything except for that. Alaska would probably always leave them dazzled. She was the kid to do that. She left everyone wondering where her words came from.

A pure, innocent soul. Young yet wise. Eliot was very proud of her.

They'd decided for her to have a very special birthday party for a few reasons.

First of all, it was her sixth birthday. She'd start school, either in hospital, where she'd attended preschool already, or at a regular school. It was pretty clear she'd be in hospital school, but everyone's prayers where sent into the other direction nevertheless.

Secondly, it could be her last birthday party.

And thirdly, it would be her last birthday party as a single child. Definitely something to glory in.

Alaska loved unicorns, so she'd have a rainbow unicorn cake. Somewhere along the road of creating this together, Eliot had mocked her, she'd only never thrown such a special party before, because she couldn't bake a proper cake. So they started their competition.

Parker was dead set on winning. At the back of her mind she knew, though. She knew she'd loose this competition and every single one about food.

She wasn't really surprised she'd lost.

Though she enjoyed the kissing pretty much she pushed Eliot away after a couple of minutes. "We're having a birthday party here", she scolded him playfully waving her pointer at him. "This is not about us, it's about Ally. We should keep working."

With a sigh she turned back around to her cake. "So, master chief, what to do about... this?"

He chuckled. "Well, there's still enough time for me to fix a few cake-pops."

"Back to the salt mines, then", Parker ordered. "I'll be out in the garden to set the table." She'd worked hours on pretty little decoration stuff, like tiny unicorns and place cards. Every kid would get a little gift back with sweets and a pair of socks at the end of the party, too. She'd planned this perfectly.

Before she left the kitchen and went outside she gained herself yet another kiss, but hurried when she got a glimpse at the clock.

She smiled to herself as she thought about all of this. They were a family. Alaska was upstairs, still sleeping before her big party would start. Eliot did the food, Parker herself did all the decoration and preparation. Eliot would still be the entertainer at the actual party.

It was weird. They'd parted over seven years ago, re-met over a year ago and until today they'd become family. Her family. It was weird since she'd never had such before. Alaska was her daughter, her family. But a family like this was what she'd dreamed of herself as a child. She was very happy she could provide this to her daughter now.

Yet she was completely aware that this wasn't about to last forever. The twins would be born in a few months and then... everything would find it's way. She was hoping, praying for a match. But even If one of them was a match, Alaska was very weak. It wasn't clear whether she'd even make it until Parker's due date.

Suddenly, she felt a cramp in her lower stomach. The forks fell to her feat as she tried hard not to panic. The doctors had said she might be early with twins, but that early? She wasn't even 7 months pregnant?

From her first pregnancy, which lasted full 38 weeks, thank you very much, Parker knew that this could possibly be some contractions, which didn't mean anything. Sometimes this happened and left soon after. It wasn't...

"Ouh!" She grabbed on a chair for comfort. This didn't seem like it would fade again soon.

Yet it couldn't be! It was simply too early.

As the next contraction she couldn't help, but scream. Loudly. Eliot was at the door in a matter of minutes.

"What's wrong", he asked, worried.

"Just some contractions... I don't think it's anything seriouuuch!" Parker clenched her teeth.

"I'll take you to the hospital", Eliot told her. "Can you walk yourself?"

She shook her head and begged him with her eyes. "Just call 911... I'll go by myself... I don't think it's today", she said as the contractions stopped for some time.

"No way!"

"But El... it's her birthday", Parker said.

Eliot sighed and nodded. He wouldn't reason her out of this, anyways. "But you call me when you need something or when they... ya know."

Parker nodded. They wouldn't come anyways.

27 weeks... it was way to early.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews! I appreciate them, though I don't answer all of them all the time... :P**

**For an english project I'm looking for a very good english author. Is there anyone you recommend? You'd really help me with that. =)**

**Anyway, enjoy this chapter!**

Parker blinked. God, she was tired! She also felt a headache building up...

The light dazzled her, so she chose to keep her eyes shut wondering what happened.

She remembered their cake competition. She remembered she'd lost.

After that, she went outside to set the table... or didn't she?

She wasn't quite sure.

It was a pain trying to remember, she chose not to. Her head hurt... She was thirsty. Feeling like someone was around her she would've liked to ask, but her mouth wouldn't move according to her brain's plan.

Dammit.

All she could do at this very moment, was listening. She was way too exhausted to do something else, eitherway.

"...another IV of magnesium and corticosteroids up in some minutes", someone said. It was a strange voice, unfamiliar. Who was with her?

Parker checked If she wanted to open her eyes and see. She didn't.

"What for?"

Eliot. Way more familiar. She relaxed knowing that he was at her side. It made her feel safe. He'd always made her feel safe.

"Magnesium to stop the contractions, which works. The corticosteroids will speed up the growth, especially of the lung. It's probably not able to work at 26 weeks."

26 weeks, 26 weeks... She'd been pregnant for 26 weeks... and did the stranger just say contractions...?

"How long for her to wake up", Eliot asked. Parker felt his hand on hers and smiled lightly. But her headache made her stop this movement. God... she was dizzy, too. But she already laid there, right? So she'd have to cope.

"She fainted, it shouldn't be long. Though, one of the possible side effects of magnesium includes fatigue", the stranger replied.

He must be a doctor, Parker reasoned. Yeah, that must be it...

"What else is possible?"

"Headache, nausea or vomiting, double vision, dizziness... really, there's a lot of things. Nothing really harmful, though. Not nice at the moment, but it might guarantee those babies a better life." Parker practically heard the doctor shrugg.

"Is it really necessary?"

"Sir, we know what we're doing. It's not gonna harm her. But If we don't... you might loose three at once", the doctor hushed.

And finally, it all klicked.

She'd had contractions when setting the table. Eliot called 911 and she got to the hospital. There she was told it wasn't simple Braxton-Hicks-contractions, but preterm-labor. She paniced and fainted. End of story.

It was hard, but she blinked. She wanted to REALLY know what was going on. She'd listened, but she still had some questions of her own.

Where was Alaska? Did they stop her party? (She hoped they didn't.)

What was going to happen in case she went in labor? What could she do to prevent it?

Parker braced herself and opened her eyes. She regretted it the next moment, when she felt nausea building up.

"Parker", Eliot exclaimed.

"Bucket", she replied with a face as pale as death.

In adversity they handed her an empty bowl, probably filled with food before, to throw up into. Which she did for quite a time.

When she was done, she felt so bad, she just felt like lying down and sleeping again. She couldn't ask one proper question.

The doctor asked her how she felt. God, how did she feel? Take a guess.

Parker didn't answer one of those silly questions and much to her relief drifted off to sleep again while he was still talking.

"When is Mommy coming home?"

Alaska sat at the window and stared at the street. At her party it had started to rain and the tiny girl caught a cold. Still, she seemed to have enjoyed her party very much.

They had to improvise some when Hagen went into preterm-labor, though. Eliot stayed since he'd promised to do so, but left as soon as he wasn't needed anymore. The rain was godsend. It allowed Ted to take the kids inside and since they couldn't do their party games inside, they watched a movie instead, while he fetched dinner.

Now, everyone was back home, happy and healthy.

Parents had called to praise the party, but all Todd could tell them, that Hagen was currently unaviable. And when they asked why, he had to repeat it. Over and over again.

Since he was the one taking care of Alaska, he hadn't seen her since. Two days had passed, which he'd spent with soup and bedtime stories. Alaska didn't get any better. Todd knew, in case she'd still be sick in another two days he'd have to take her to the hospital. Her immune system was weak. A cold could be the death for her. Yet he hoped it would be fixable at home. He longed to spare her another stay at the hospital.

"We don't know yet, princess", he told her. He'd just poured her a bath in the esperance that this would help. She'd already took such a bath the other day, but nevermind.

"She mustn't die."

Oops, where did that came from? Todd was shocked, he didn't know what to answer. Luckily, or unfortunately as you take it, Alaska wasn't done talking yet.

"I'll die before she dies. It's meant to be", Alaska said leaving Todd with an even bigger shock.

"Wh-what do you mean?", he asked extremely uncomfortable with this talk.

Alaska turned to look into her adopted Dad's eyes.

"All kids with cancer die earlier than their parents. My friends died", she explained innocently.

It was like she was stabbing him, with words. Now she was only six years old. He wondered what she'd do to him with her speech when 16.

"No, that's not true", he argued, "Your friend Billy didn't die. He was sent home safe and sound, you know that."

"Exceptions prove the rule." Alaska turned back to face the street.

Todd reasoned whether he should stay or leave her. No, he clearly wouldn't leave her depressed like that. She was a six year old child. His six year old child, god dammit! And he was supposed to make her feel better! Not planting stupid ideas or letting them grow!

He gently, but firmly grabbed her by her shouldes and turned her face to face him.

"Listen to me", he said. Her eyes went huge. Fearing, hoping? It was hard to tell. "As long as I live I will take care of you and your mother. I will take care and none of you will die before my dying day comes, understand? I won't let anybody hurt you and I won't just stand by your bed when you die. And you, princess, won't die. You'll live."

Alaska bit her lower lip. Tears building up in her eyes. Clearly, she feared death more than she'd like to admit. "How'd you know?"

"Because I know you, Alaska Pauline. You're strong, smart and spunky." She giggled a little at the last attribute and wiped away some tears while sniffing. He swallowed at the sight of it. "If there's anyone who would fight death till the very end, wouldn't it be you?"


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: I'm a little sick. so sorry, If this is a little odd. Sunday I'll be leaving for a vacation. I hope to update tommorow, but after that you'll have to wait a whole week. :P Anyway, have fun! :)**

After examining both of the twins bug-eyed Alaska soaked in as much as air as she could.

"They're tiny", she judged.

"Babies are always tiny", Eliot told her. Alaska shrugged in return. She put her hands flat against her father's chest.

"Put me down", she demanded.

"Don't you want to... well, carry them or something?"

She shook her head no.

He was surprised. Throughout the pregnancy Alaska didn't show any signs of jealousy. She always seemed like she'd be impatiently waiting for their birth. But now that they were here – luckily not born at 26, but 30 weeks, which wasn't good, but healthy enough to breath on their own – she didn't even want to see them.

Eliot didn't know how she reacted back home when he called and told Todd. Yet ever since she arrived at the hospital she asked when she'd go home again.

"Why not?"

"They're in the NICU", she told him.

"Yeah, but just because they've to grow some", Eliot explained. He had yet to follow her orders. Now they were still watching each others eyes. Blue meeting the very same shade of blue.

"I want to see Mommy", Alaska interrupted. She kicked a little, so that he'd put her down.

"Alright. Follow my lead."

They walked to Parker's room hand in hand. Alaska hadn't been visiting for the whole month Parker spent here. She hadn't asked to. She'd just asked when her Mommy would come home.

Parker was awake, but mildly exhausted. She was happy the babies were asleep for now. They'd taken their blood hours ago. The sound of their screams broke her heart. She'd always felt back when Alaska screamed as a baby. But with the twins it was different.

They'd been born for a reason, even though conceived naturally. Many of the screams she'd hear would be screams they'd chosen to happen for Alaska's sake. It was harder to deal with that feeling than she'd expected.

The door swung open and Eliot entered with their eldest. Parker almost cried at the sight of the child she hadn't seen for a whole month.

"Mommy!" Alaska broke away from Eliot and ran towards the bed.

"Alaska!" Parker opened her arms in response and the girl willingly took her place between them. They hugged for a minute or so, before Alaska freed herself from the hug to face her.

"I've missed you", she said.

"I've missed you, too, hun." Parker stroked her head. "You've grown hair", she said surprised. No one had told her that.

"It's not much", Alaska replied.

"It's quite a lot for someone who didn't have any for quite a time", Parker said. Alaska hugged her again. "I've missed you so much."

Eliot watched the scene without any emotions. His mind was still with all three of his kids in the NICU. With Alaska, who didn't want to make any contact with the twins. Why?

"Did you meet the twins yet?"

"Not really... I saw them, though. They're tiny", Alaska said lowering her eyes.

Parker frowned. "What is it?"

"I... I'm afraid If I meet them I'll miss them when they die."

Both parents sucked in air.

"They're not going to die", Eliot told her.

Alaska shrugged. "Who knows."

Eliot was about to give her a word about this, when a doctor entered.

"Dr. Anderson", Alaska shouted in surprise.

"What are you here about", Parker asked. It was nice of Dr. Anderson to congratulate them on the twins, but still she didn't expect her to do that before Alaska's appointment in two weeks.

"The results of the tests are back. I thought you might want to know right away", Dr. Anderson said.

"Thank you. That's very thoughtful." Eliot squeezed Parker's hand. Alaska looked around finally facing her mother.

"Do I have to go?"

"No, Ally. It's fine. You might stay." Parker smiled ever so slightly before turning her eyes back to the doctor. "So?"

"Well... The boy..." She flipped one page. "He isn't a match."

Parker blinked. Eliot swallowed. "What about Clover?"

"Huh?"

"The girl. Her name is Clover. What about her?"

Dr. Anderson smiled warmhearted. "She is a perfect match."


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Before I leave you waiting for a week I give you this thanks to all your reviews ;) Enjoy while the secret of baby boy's name gets revealed!**

Parker soon learned that having twin babies wasn't just twice as hard as having one baby.

Their son was always awake. Or at least, it seemed. He never slept the night through. He never slept one hour through. And he was hungry like all the time. He'd been in NICU, but when they left 1 1/2 month old he had yet to discard this habit.

Parker was very happy she didn't have to breastfeed them, so she and Eliot could take turns easily. She'd officially quit her job being rich enough.

She was happy Eliot was there. The twins were sapping. She was happy she could give some of her strength away to the brave little girl back in hospital.

Right after the birth they'd started the first allogeneic transplant. They used blood from the placenta as well as umbilical cord. After Alaska had produced some new, healthy cells they affiliated a tandem transplant. This was quite exhausting for Alaska.

First she got a course of high-dose chemo, which was followed by a transplant of her own, new stem cells. After that she had to undergo another course of high-dose chemo and a transplant. She had yet to recover from the first one.

Parker didn't like to see it all happening again. Alaska lost all her new hair. She threw up during the process of chemo a lot. But her levels got better. Parker knew it had to be. Even though it hurt so much.

And those twins... They drove her out of mind.

Eliot, though, was wrapped up in his new role as a father of twins. He loved everything that came with it. Seriously. Everything.

He loved dressing them and feeding them and bathing them. He also loved playing with them and reading them. He loved cradling them until they fell asleep. He loved taking walks with them. He loved buying stuff for them. God, sometimes she believed he even loved changing their diapers!

She felt very, very bad.

Parker had never thought of herself as a good mother. She did her best to make Alaska happy. She tried hard to keep her healthy. But deep in her heart she knew. She knew she could do better If she'd ever tried harder.

Yet she didn't. Because it was enough. Alaska never asked for more. She wasn't asking for anything, but love and that was something Parker could give to her easily. But only to her.

It wasn't that easy with the twins. They needed attention and food and toys and walks and diapers and nappies and soft hours and sleep and and and...

Parker wasn't sure If there was anything they didn't need.

Unlike Eliot she didn't like to give them that. She sighed whenever she had to change diapers. When she stood at the stove waiting for their bottles to get a good temperature her eyes went out of the window wondering whether there was a nice exhibition to rob. She moaned when they cried and Eliot was out of sight. She couldn't stand being all alone with them.

Actually, she made sure Eliot was always there with her or he was on his own. The first time he left her alone she locked herself in the shower and pretended she didn't hear their cries.

Their tiny, tiny, loud cries.

Clover's cries.

She feared them. Alaska's tandem transplant was about to feel. Nobody said it yet her levels spoke for themselves. They were better than before, sure. But they weren't good enough. Alaska would need another transplant. Soon.

"As soon as she's out of the NICU she might donate", Dr. Anderson had told them. She'd added quite quickly that all of them hoped this wouldn't be necessary.

But it was. And maybe it was right like that. They'd conceived the baby to save Alaska. It sounded harsh, but... it was Clover's purpose to save her big sister.

Parker just couldn't bond with her. She couldn't. If she'd started bonding... God, she wouldn't be able to watch her suffer.

Every time Alaska suffered Parker shed a tear. Silently, but she did. It hurt her so much. She would never show, though, knowing she had to be strong for her little girl. Alaska was so brave herself. She deserved to have a strong mother looking after her.

She loved her so much. She was her be-all and end-all. She loved Eliot, too, of course. But she didn't have enough power to love those twins.

She couldn't love them. It wouldn't be good for the following years, for following transplants.

Yes, she could start loving Levi. He was such a sweet boy with his chubby cheeks and brown eyes – wherever he got them from. He was a cutie-pie. Everyone said so. His tiny head already started growing brown locks. She prayed for them to stay that way. She hoped he'd look like Eliot when older.

Parker loved him. She loved him, alone his name made him adorable. Levi Cassius. Eliot wouldn't let her name him Cash. But Cassius... it was beautiful. She loved it. Levi had been Eliot's choice, but she thought it fit the boy well. When she looked at him, she knew he was Levi.

Levi was smart, too. He already tried to move himself to get a different view. He always reached out for his mobile. It was a cosmos with a sun in the middle. Dragons and butterflies, too. It was the one Alaska had loved as a baby, either. And it was meant to be his.

Parker sighed.

She shouldn't be keeping herself awake thinking about this so much. The twins would soon awake and this would wake her, too. Most of the time they woke each other. One of the twins woke his sibling and they both woke their parents. Next time was Eliot's turn, though.

He was soundly asleep next to her. He could be as he was happy with himself.

She was asking herself a very horrid question. Was keeping herself away from Clover so that she would be able to let her get hurt making her a bad mother?

Honestly, she couldn't answer this question. It never left her, but she couldn't answer it.

All three of them were her children, right? Shouldn't she be able to love all of them the same?

Parker wondered whether her parents preferred one of their children. She hadn't been long with her family so this question was hard to answer for her.

Her brother Nick was younger than her by 11 months, which made the first child time very short. She'd never felt jealous of him, though. He was her friend. Her best friend. She smiled at the thought.

Her mother might have preferred her over him. She loved picking out dresses, braiding her hair. All kind of girly stuff. She could never do that with Nick. She also let slip that she'd hoped for another girl once. They'd planned on two children, only.

When the accident happened there was a third child on the way, a girl.

Parker sucked in air as she realized something.

Girl, boy, girl. This had been her family once. And now it was... too.

She would've fullfilled her thoughts, but her mind was interrupted by a loud scream from the nursery. She sighed. It wasn't her turn, but since she was awake already... Why shouldn't she go?

She went in there finding Levi asleep and Clover awake screaming. She flinched thinking that maybe If she was fast enough she could go back to bed and pretend she'd been asleep, too. Maybe If she would make it there she could make Eliot go...

"No, stupid you", she told herself, "This is your daughter right there. You can take care of her."

Parker took her up looking into her eyes. She hadn't realized their color before. Grey. Like Nick's eyes had been. She swallowed hard and left the nursery shooing the baby in the hope she wouldn't wake her brother.

She went into the kitchen and warmed a bottle for her girl all the while singing.

"Hush little baby don't you cry. Momma's gonna back you a chocolate pie..." Yep, she had her very own version of singing that song. The bottle was getting warmer. Parker checked the temperature before taking it out of the pot.

"If that pie doesn't taste so good, Daddy's gonna get you a bed of wood", she sung while walking into the living room. She preferred feeding Levi there. Maybe it would work with Clover, too.

She sat down on the couch feeding the girl, who kept looking her straight into the eye.

In the silence of the night Parker wondered whether her unborn sister would've looked like her estranged daughter. And whether she could be a good mom to both of her daughters.


	24. Chapter 24

There's something wrong with you.

It was nothing new to Parker hearing those words. Eliot had said it like a million times. Even Hardison did say it once or twice. She wasn't sure about Sophie, but she reasoned that the grifter let the words slip one time at least.

She didn't mind, really. She was used to hear those words. People picture her crazy? Well, screw them. She knew better. Plus, she could always proof them wrong if she wanted to.

Really, it was not a big deal when concerning her.

But when someone said it, referring to her child, it _was_ a big deal.

"There's something wrong with her."

Parker never liked psychologists. She'd refused going there for a long time. At least, Eliot convinced her to go. He also companioned her. Levi was with his grandparents.

Eliot chose to reconnect soon after the twins were born. It turned out they had moved to a village not far from their own house. Unlike Alaska, the twins grew up with both their parents and one pair of grandparents.

Jack and Katie; well, Katherine, actually, but Parker was allowed to call her either Mom or Katie. As Parker had sworn never to call anyone Mom anymore when her mother died, she used Katie.

At first she'd seemed quite nice. Katie told Parker she was happy Eliot had found someone like her. She turned out to be a great cook, listener and advisor. The kids loved her. Parker was quite sure that one day she could love her, too.

Right until she spit this sentence, though. It wasn't just a simple "There's something wrong with you." What she said hurt. It hurt so bad Parker wouldn't see or call Katie for a month. She was pouty and hurt like that.

Parker was coming to pick the twins up after they'd spent their first night over. She suspected the twins to be perfectly fine and happy, since nobody called to ask for help. Parker had been worried at first, considering that Eliot's parents made a lot of long trips to make up for the time they'd spent working hard. The twins hadn't seen them in four months. But it seemed to have worked out just fine. At first.

The twins were both happy when she arrived. They were playing in the living room. After hugs and kisses for greetings, Katie led Parker into the kitchen and poured her some coffee. The talk started casually, asking how Alaska was doing, how Parker was doing, what the weather was like at theirs. And then, out of the blue, Katie said: "There's something wrong with Clover."

She was looking to the door that led to the living room.

Parker blinked, she was merely confused. She hoped it wasn't a sickness. Clover needn't be sick before the next transplant, which was set for next week. "What d'ya mean?"

"See… she's turning three in a couple of days and she still doesn't speak." Katie sighed.

"But… some kids start later than others", Parker argued. Shyly she added: "I've heard."

Another sigh escaped her almost mother-in-law's mouth. "See, girl, that's the problem. You've heard. But I've seen, Parker. I've watched a hell bunch of kids grow up. Not one of them hadn't said a word at her age… and look at Levi – he's so talkative, while she just sits and watches…" Katie shrugged. "If you honestly ask yourself as I did you'd find yourself wondering what's wrong with her."

Parker swallowed. "She's fine", she repeated determined. "She'll start talking soon, I'm sure."

"Oh, sweetie! How often do you tell yourself that?"

Katie looked at her with those blue eyes both Levi and Alaska had inherited, not Clover. Parker 'd learned that Clover's eyes were something she'd inherited by the father of Jack. One of Eliot's sisters had eyes the same shade. They looked so sweet. As If she was talking to a child. Any other day Parker would've smiled at those eyes, but today she felt like Katie wasn't taking her seriously. And it hurt.

But that wasn't everything Katie was about to say. As Parker didn't reply she continued: "I think the best thing would be to get her to a doctor, ya know? He'd make sure whatever it is she has and maybe it's even treatable – nobody knows about that… I just wonder where she got that from. We never had any weirdos in our family…"

Parker opened her mouth in a gasp. Did Katie just imply…?

Clearly, enough had been said that day. The only thing Parker did after Katie'd said those words, was dragging the twins outside and into the car. She drove home, Levi chattering all the time, while Clover was watching something in front of her, which nobody else could find as interesting.

_She's fine_, Parker told herself after bedding the twins, _There's nothing wrong with her. She's perfectly fine._

Parker didn't tell Eliot about the incident. He was at the hospital anyways. She figured his mother would call him as soon as possible. Maybe she was calling all police stations and hospitals at the moment, fearing that her psycho daughter-in-law had done something completely crazy. Wouldn't this suite her so well?

Eliot had her reconsider what Katie said. But she wouldn't agree. Eliot had wanted them to go see a psychologist. He even offered to go himself. Parker talked him out of it, but not before he'd got her to promise they would go when Clover would still not speak after Christmas.

Parker tried hard getting the girl to talk. Clover just wouldn't. They addressed her all the time, hoping she would once reply. But she just wouldn't.

It took some time, but when they actually went to the psychologist in January, Parker herself wondered what was up with her. She'd say "what's up", though, never "what's wrong", because there was nothing wrong with her.

"You're special", she told Clover, though she wasn't sure whether the girl minded the talk about her. "That's all. You're very special."

But the psychologist didn't say that. After watching Clover for some time and trying to get her to communicate Dr. Gray returned to her seat and told them, that there actually was something up with her.

"Is she a social child apart from that?"

"She's very keen on her brother", Parker tried to explain. "That's why she doesn't have a lot of friends."

"How many does she have exactly?"

"None. She only plays with Levi", Eliot confessed. Parker wouldn't have said that.

"Does she show any preference in playing with others?"

"She was always good on her own", Parker started.

"She doesn't like to play with others not much", Eliot ended, though this was not the way Parker would put it. She knew how it was when you start a game and others interfered. She was sure Clover just wanted to play her game properly. What was so crazy about that?

Dr. Gray nodded and took some more notes, asked some more questions. At the end she said: "We might need more tests to find the actual reason and disease. But I'm pretty sure it's Autism."

"But… she's only a little slow with talking! She's fine", Parker argued. _There's nothing wrong with her._

Meanwhile Clover rearranged the sen garden she wasn't supposed to play with. It looked all crappy with those stupid lines. She thought, if it had to be lines those should make some sense.

The doctor had her playing with some toys for very small kids, which she hadn't approved of. But one of them was special. It made a sound. Clover loved sounds and smells and pictures.

The world around her was full of that stuff and she loved listening to it, smelling it, seeing it. She wanted to have it all, but it wasn't that easy to just want it. She meant to understand it, too.

With a trembling hand she wrote her name into the sand. It looked pretty with the C.

"Clover! That's not for kids", Daddy said. He picked her up.

Clover was sad. She would've liked to play with the sand, but she'd learned that she wasn't supposed to do things she liked most of the time.

She didn't like needles, nor injections or operations. She preferred the park and playing with Levi. She didn't like doctors nor blood. She liked being read to. She didn't like the pain of giving marrow. She loved walking with elders holding her hand.

Still she spent much time with doing things she didn't like.

The doctors started praising her for going through all that pain without mourning at the age of two years. She sat still. She didn't complain. She'd learned it would be easier to just let it be. She'd learned complaining didn't help.

She'd learned nothing would ever help.

When Parker and Eliot left the office with Clover asleep in her Daddy's arms, Parker thought: _There might be something up with her._


	25. three chapters unused

**A/N: I'm so sorry, because I didn't update, I just can't relate to the story right now... I'll end it, though, I promise. As an excuse some chapters I didn't use.**

Chapters unused:

1)

Parker was bored. Like really bored.

She knew it had to be. She knew she should be lucky, because they'd given her one week at least and she'd already made it to 15 days without any more contractions.

But, god, was she bored!

The first days she'd been tired or sick all the time. That was bad, but at least, she wasn't bored.

Every time he visited, Eliot was greeted with the same long pronunciation of his name. "Eeeeellliiiooott…" Her head was up, but she didn't sit. She wasn't allowed to do so. Sitting was nothing she could do to keep her from getting bored.

She wasn't allowed to get stressed. They were supposed not to make up, no matter how much she wished to do that. Only thing she would get was a gentle kiss on the forehead. Kiss on the lips, if she was lucky.

Eliot didn't really tell her anything cool, when he visited. He brought books and CDs for her to read and listen to. She didn't need any of that. This wasn't distracting. This was anything but fun. Books had bored her out ever since she learned how to read over twenty years ago. The only time she'd read books and actually gain something out of it was when she read to Alaska.

Parker reasoned reading to the twins was something she could do. She made Eliot bring her some of Alaska's books. She found that children's books weren't as fun when the child she read to wouldn't giggle at funny voices or react in anyway. She was convinced that reading actually reassured both of the twins and that they never kicked when she read.

She could've told them she was a freaking unicorn running over rainbows, though. It seemed like everyone just kept smiling at everything she said. They didn't take her seriously treating her like a child. It was driving her crazy, but not in a good way.

Right now, she wasn't only bored. She was also annoyed and very tired.

Since two days she hadn't had a minute of sleep thanks to some fly claiming it. Parker had told them when they asked her about her sleep, but no one made this fly go away. Right now the fly was crawling over the window. Again. The other day Parker had baptized Herbert, the name she gave the fly out of pure boredom, spreading water over the window in an actual attempt to kill it.

Well, it didn't work. Herbert was safe and sound. The twins were, too. Everybody was. But Parker wasn't. She was bored.

She sighed. "What are we gonna do today, Herb", she asked the fly. Herbert scrubbed his tiny legs soundlessly. "Check the TV? Well, that's an idea… at least."

Parker frowned as soon as she'd turned the TV on. Re-runs of diverse stupid sitcoms and stupid reality TV… nah, she wasn't up for that. Sighing she turned it back off again. Her eyes scanned the room and she checked the clock. Eliot wouldn't visit for another four hours.

He wasn't that entertaining, to be honest. But at least he tried. Yesterday he'd left a baby name book for her. She didn't like that not much, though. With Alaska the name came to her in a dream. Deep inside she felt that the same thing would happen with the twins. But without the chance of sleep it probably wouldn't happen.

2)

Clover was fast in learning. Shortly after her first birthday, she started talking. Her first actual word was "I". Nobody would've realized it even was supposed to be a word before she formed her first sentence.

It was possible she'd already said "I" before.

They noticed, though, when at the supermarket she grabbed for things saying: "I like."

Unlike Levi and Alaska, who at that age referred to themselves with their names as everybody else did, Clover seemed to understand "I" at this tender age. "I" wasn't one of her parents or Alaska. "I" was Clover when she spoke of herself.

It soon deemed upon her surprised parents that she loved speaking of herself. She did it a lot. It made things easier, though, because she always asked for the stuff she wanted.

Unfortunately, but probably foreseen-ably, she started speaking about what she didn't want soon, too.

She didn't like needles, nor injections or operations. She preferred the park and playing with Levi. She didn't like doctors nor blood. She liked being read to.

She didn't like the pain of giving marrow. She loved walking with elders holding her hand.

As said before Clover adapted quickly. She learned that saying "I don't like" in the hospital didn't mean anything to anyone and she stopped saying it.

The doctors started praising her for going through all that pain without mourning at the age of two years. She sat still. She didn't complain. She'd learned it would be easier to just let it be. She'd learned complaining didn't help.

She'd learned nothing would ever help.

Clover didn't really understand what happened. She didn't really get why they were doing those things to her. She didn't understand the purpose of it. She knew her parents were always very proud of her when she was done.

There was someone who was related to her like Levi was. But it wasn't quite the same.

Her name was Alaska. She was older than them. She was sick.

Clover met her at the hospital. Every single time they went to see her when Clover would go to that big, clean place. Clover would be placed on the bed next to Alaska's legs. Most of the time Mommy or Daddy and Alaska would talk.

But sometimes Alaska would address her. She'd hug her and snuggle her and sometimes kiss her. When Clover started talking, she'd also talk to her.

Alaska was Clover's sister, but it took Clover some time to find out what exactly such was. She heard people say it. The doctors said it. "Will you go and see your sister today", they said. Her parents said it, too. "It's your sister's birthday tomorrow, will you draw something for her?"

Clover drew her sister a flower. She was two, but she was good at drawing. Anyone could recognize what she'd drawn. Clover reasoned, a flower was a good gift to give as she'd watched her parents bringing flowers to Alaska some times.

Mommy praised her flowers and Daddy said this talent must be something Clover had inherited by her Mom. Her Dad had quite some talent, too, though. He made pretty food.

The only thing they would eat when Mom was taking care was cereal dunk into milk. She claimed this was a healthy breakfast, but Clover could see she liked those pancakes Daddy made way better herself. Clover wondered why Mom didn't make pancakes. She reasoned, this was Daddy's talent. She also reasoned, that If Mom had the talent of art and Dad the talent of making pretty food, then everyone had his own talent.

So when Daddy told her she was talented at art, Clover said: "No."

She knew she couldn't have that, Mommy already had it.

Alaska got a lot of presents. Clover didn't quite understand the purpose of birthdays in the first place. Not that she didn't like them. When they celebrated Alaska's birthday this time, Clover had already been to 10 birthday parties.

This was the third of Alaska's birthday parties. But Clover had been to three of Dad's, too, to two of her own and Levi's and two of her Mommy's birthday parties.

She liked the cake her Dad made for birthdays. It was always another cake, but each tasted better than the last. She remembered her second cake – a blue one, Alice in Wonderland themed. Clover loved that story, though she didn't really understand the meaning. Yet this was the biggest reason for her like. As all the words she heard stuck in her head for what seemed forever, she liked it when she could always think different about the same words.

Clover liked the candles on the cake and how nice it was to blow them. She didn't understand why Alaska's cake had no candles, but it still was nice.

Clover liked the presents, too. She found it was way more pleasing to give than to get, but she also found that this wasn't the usual feeling. Levi loved getting things, but he rarely ever tried to give. Their Mom seemed to love both, as she was always very happy with them being happy. Clover herself didn't particularly dislike getting, yet she preferred making her parents smile with a hug or three simple words.

I love you. Clover reasoned, it meant something very good. Everyone seemed happy when those words were said. She'd learned to be happy when told those words, too, though occasionally she connected them with pain.

After whatever the doctors did to her she was told just how much her parents loved her. Alaska always told her, too.

I love you, Clover. So much.

She was happy when told those words, for that very moment she was. But this feeling would never last long. When telling the words, though, when seeing people being happy about those words, the feeling would last way longer.

Getting was ever so simple. Giving was, too. But if you gave something you would make feel two persons feel good. If you just received it wasn't quite the same.

Clover sighed and snuggled onto her mother's lap. It was getting late, she knew. Absently, she noticed her mother's fingers running through her short, blonde curls.

Clover hadn't really listened to them talking, but now that she was almost asleep, she did. Quickly, she noticed that something wasn't quite right. Her Dad's voice sounded so husky, kind of… strange.

"It'll work this time, I was told", Dad said in this unfamiliar tone.

"Don't get me wrong. It's not you that I doubt", Alaska replied, her voice stern and sober. Clover liked her sister's voice, to her it was almost soothing. She snuggled up some more.

Her Mom shifted beneath her. "It's just this one to go, Ally", she said her voice just as strange as Daddy's. "Just one."

"Like the last one? And the one before?" Alaska snorted. Clover didn't like the sound of that. She considered getting up, getting them to know just how awake she was. She didn't.

"It's a bumpy road, but it's worth your life." Daddy was sitting across the room, Clover knew. But she felt like he'd gotten closer. She blinked just a little to check.

"You don't know that! I've been down this path for five years! Five! It's my road to take and I just can't take any more of it!"

Daddy was sitting beside Mommy now, Clover had seen. She was growing uncomfortable here. It wasn't her Mommy's legs, but the talk that kept her awake. Though she didn't know what all the fuzz was about it didn't sound good.

"You're nine! You'll miss all of it", Daddy argued. Clover knew in which tone he argued.

Oh oh.

"I will? I've already missed five years. I don't know what's there I haven't missed yet", Alaska said. She sounded so sad Clover would've liked to throw her arms around her in an instant and give her those three words. She wanted to tell her, she loved her. She didn't.

"So you want to miss the rest to?"

Mommy was growing quite silent. It made Clover even more nervous. Luckily, they thought her asleep.

"It's not just about me! See, Clover, she's missed three years by now. This is never going to stop. She, too, will loose another three years and another and another… She might not have a choice, but I do."

Clover wondered what Alaska was talking about she couldn't remember anything she'd missed lately.

Clover felt something wet dropping down on her head. Why was her Mommy crying?

"And you of all", said Alaska, "Don't have a say. You're not even my Dad. Don't you feel ashamed of yourself having Clover going through all of this for a girl, who's not even your daughter?"

Clover trembled with her mother, who finally found her tongue.

"Eliot… please…"

"I'm tired. Let's go home", was all Daddy said. Clover felt her Mommy carrying her out of the room. She felt sad, like there was something she could've done to help the situation.

She'd heard Alaska sniffle, not cry, but sniffle when they left and she felt miserable for her.

Clover was just three years old, but she already had an extraordinary mind. It would take her parents some time to learn about that, but it would take Clover herself a hell lot more of time to figure things out.

In that very moment, though, all Clover needed was a hug. She didn't get one.

3)

Clover felt eyes all on her. She didn't like it.


End file.
